Thursday, January 29, 2009

HELP! Please, for the love of all that's holy, HELP!!

This is my friend Martha, or Martie as we call her.

I've known her for about 4 years now, and well, we have a problem. What's the problem you say? Why just look at her, she is a beautiful specimen of a human being, with her twinkling eyes and contagious grin, what could possibly be the problem?
Well, let me just say it like it is. She hasn't found Mr. Right yet. And, seriously, it's buggin. It's just not right. Now we all know that some people have no business gettin hitched and then breeding, but this gal, she's a hidden gem!
I finally have had enough. Who can Splenda Daddy and I double date with that will laugh at all my jokes? Who can I drag to Passion parties and get embarrassed with? Who can I discuss marital issues with and know that she'll giggle me to recovery? Or even better, who can I advise on marital issues with my vast array of marital knowledge? One word. Martha. So, I am taking matters into my own hands. I am "laying it all out there" for her and begging for my bloggy friends (all of whom I trust) to help me find the right "George" for my Martha.

So let's get down to business. Let me start off with a few pertinent and maybe not so pertinent facts about said work BFF.

She is 5'9"; 36 years of age; hazel eyes; dimple in her cheek (not the nether one, but up north); is a regular gym attender; loves to go to movies, is open minded and most of all, LAUGHS A LOT. Does that get annoying you ask? He** no! We call her The Giggler for a darn good reason. She makes you feel funny, smart, witty, and all warm/fuzzy about yourself just by her continual smile and positive attitude. She has traveled the world in her days and speaks not only English, but French and Russian. I'm gonna take the liberty of adding that she did have one semester of Spanish so she can order at McDonald's if necessary, though not her preferred place of dining.
She has a great sense of humor and can laugh not only with and at others, but at herself. She does hold an Olympic gold in belching (of which her brothers are so proud), so all applicants must be able to keep up. Though she is not a fan of camping and the outdoors she would be okay with a man that does. And while we are seg-waying into what she is looking for, let's simplify and just do a list. I'll indicate any deal breakers.
1. Must be LDS and card carrying or eligible (deal breaker)
2. Any and all divorces must be final (deal breaker)
3. Be between the ages of 32 - 40
4. At least 6' tall
5. Gainfully employed
6. Not crazy (deal breaker)
7. Not currently married (deal breaker)
8. Not living at home with Mother
9. No crazy ex's but children okay
10. Confident without being cocky
11. Must be willing to accept her current relationship with the electric sex leg lamp (nightlight)Alegra, and her ultimate BFF Michelle.
12. No smoking, no drinking, no heroin. Crack okay on special occasions.
13. No "home grown sweater" unless willing to laser or wax on regular basis.
14. No felonies, although misdemeanor's acceptable if the right kind.
15. Must be able to understand the difference between: there; their; they're and your; you're. (little bit of a grammar freak)
16. Nunchuk and computer skillz preferred.Martie with her Ultimate BFF. Mart is on the right.....

Now that is really just about it. Not a bad list at all, I think completely reasonable. And obviously, there are some items thrown in for humor content. So if you have specific questions regarding any above items, please address them with me and I can clarify.
Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd one last little ditty, she is willing to re-locate. IF it's the right man. (I would cry big crocodile tears though)
So calling all matchmakers! Dust off your matchmaking skills and let's find our Martie a man!
Please send all potential applicants my way for screening first (see my sidebar for email address). I am protective of this one, she is my sistah from another mistah after all!

Happy husband hunting, I'm counting on you!


Kristina P. said...

When I found out she was single, I couldn't believe it! She's a hot catch!

And I met my husband on LDS Singles. Just sayin'.

Megan and Jon said...

I blog hopped over here and hope you don't mind but I want to date Martha, she is a doll. However, I am female,and the deal breaker currently happily married.. However I am now looking for this gal a guy. She is so cute and must be a great person for a friend to take the time to write such a great post about her.. I'll be submitting applicants..

tammy said...

Dang. I'm too short.

On the look-out though.

Martha H. said...

Melissa, you are such a great friend! I love this. It's hilarious and sweet and heartfelt all at the same time. This has got to be the next best thing to an arranged marriage. ha ha ha

Kami said...

I so would love to set her up with my little brother, but he is too young, and immature.

She is darling...and taller than me, I never would have guessed.

rychelle said...

Ok, how do I get in on some of this action?!?
I need a George too!

I wish I worked with you guys. It sounds like the place to be.

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

You crack me up! If I can think of anyone, I'll make sure I give you a nudge! You are too sweet to help a friend out! And even said you would let her leave if necessary! Now that's what I call a true friend! How lucky you both are to have each other! ♥

Travis said...

You forgot to mention that she has two older brothers and one younger brother that "mistah right" would have to put up with. We are a bit crazy. Not in the want-to-eat-you-for-dinner kind of crazy, but the might-embarrass-you-in-public kind of crazy (think Spanish Mike). If you don't get embarrassed, then no problemo. P.S. Notice I said "younger" brother and not "little" brother... Just sayin...

So said...

I'm glad that being crazy would be a deal breaker. I love this. I hope you find her "George".What a good friend you are.

(I have George but he just turned 10 so that's a no go there.)

tiburon said...

Ooooo I am sure this will lead to a hubby. I am ALWAYS on the lookout for a man for Miss Martha :)

Pedaling said...

i will be on the lookout.
she is a doll.
and i love the no homegrown sweater requirement.

Omgirl said...

No wonder she hasn't found a man....who could compare to all that? She's amazing!!! I bet lots of guys like her and run for cover because they're intimidated by her belching skills. Well, I will keep my eye out and see if there are any male hidden gems out there worthy of her. Right now the only single guy I know is super quiet, lives with his parents, and has a really thin white-trash mustashe. I think I should keep looking.

Omgirl said...

Wait a minute....who posted that Craig's List ad about the guy who was looking for a wife??? There was a $5000 reward for finding her. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? It was only a week or two that someone posted it or emailed it to me. ANd that guy looked like quite a catch! LDS, employed, Utah.... I'll research.... (and not just for the reward, LOL)

MiaKatia said...

Mercy, miss Martha is a catch! I wish I knew any single guys to set her up with. This should be exciting.