Sunday, January 31, 2010

Spiritual Sunday; the organ, a young man, and being a parent.

In my church, about 15 minutes before the start of our main meeting, Sacramemt Meeting, we have an organist play some prelude music. It is used to quiet people as they gather and to bring reverence to the chapel.  It also helps to set a spiritual tone for the meeting.
Lately, our prelude players have been young men and women who are working on their piano/organ skills.  The young adults or teenagers play the prelude music and then someone more experienced takes over for the accompianment of hymns.

Today, I was VERY early.  Like 40 minutes early.  I found a bench up near the front and settled in for some scripture reading and perusing my material for an upcoming YW lesson.
At about 15 minutes before the start of the meeting, I watched as the D family made their way in.  The eldest son is J, whom we first started interaction with when he was 12 and in our Sunday School class.  He's now in his mid twenties, completed a service mission in the Salt Lake area, and has become a fine, upstanding and remarkable young man. 
Oh yeah, J is blind.

I watched as his parents lovingly and carefully escorted him up the chapel aisle, and assisted him up the three steps to the stand.  They guided him gently to the organ and helped him sit.  He took a few minutes to orient himself, and they guided his fingers to the right keys.  Within a few minutes, the chapel began to fill with beautiful, perfectly played music.

J's dad returned to the congregation benches, while Mom sat down in a choir chair near the organ.
Watching J, not only immediately softened my heart, but I began to think about some recent events and my feelings about being a parent.

When our babies are born, we have such high hopes and aspirations for them  It doesn't matter what religion you are, or IF you are religious, we all have ideals, values, and morals we want our children to learn and to embody.  We want them to be honest, full of integrity, educated, and to be contributing, functioning members of society.  If we do happen to be affiliated with a particular religion or faith, we tend to want them to choose likewise.  We know how happy it makes us, and we as parents, want the same, nay, BETTER for our kids.  We want them to be sublimely......... happy.

What happens when your dreams for your children don't become realized?  What happens when all that you have hoped for, prayed for, taught them, aspired for them, goes by the wayside?  Until a parent experiences that disappointment for themselves, I don't think it can be understood.  And even then, each of our experiences are different and unique. 

As friends or acquiantences, we try hard to understand.  We attempt to convey our sympathies and offer words of encouragement, but too often, we miss the mark.  It's easy with our mouths to say, "that's too bad about your kid" while nodding sadly, but in your heart you are really saying 'my kid(s) will NEVER do that.'  You might even convince yourself that you are immune.  You're doing all the right things.  Family prayer, scripture study, family nights, individual time with each child.  You are supportive, you attend every parent/teacher conference, you drive the carpool, you're the friggin PTA president for crying out loud!  There is no way that anything other than perfection will cross your door.  Your biggest challenge will be to decide which college to choose out of the several your kid has been accepted to.

To that I say, POPPYCOCK.  I'm refraining from using the BS word since it's the Sabbath and all, but really.  Crap. And trust me, I know.

Just as J's parents walked beside him down the chapel aisle, guided him up the steps and towards the organ, even helping him position and place his fingers, they eventually had to step away and let him play on his own.

As parents we do all we can.  We teach, we show by example, we correct when necessary, but at some point, our kids are on their own.  We can only sit nearby at the ready in case further assistance is asked for.  That's it.

We can no more accept the credit for a "well-turned out" offspring than we can the blame for the one who is not measuing up to her/his full potential.

So why do we beat ourselves up about it?  Why do we allow ourselves to feel the sting of disappointment over something we never really had control over to begin with?  Why do we continue to compare ourselves and our kids against others and their supposed success?  Am I the only one to do this?

Well,  no more.  I've finally come to the realization that for a small period of time, albeit an important one, I was a central figure in my children's lives.  They looked to me and their father for guidance, reassurance, instruction, and love.  We provided it and anything else we could, in the best way we knew how.  Then, they became adults and we are now merely background players.  We are friends who offer support, encouragement and advice if they want it,   but now, they are poised at the keyboard and their fingers will do the playing.  Not mine.

I relinquish not only any false sense of control I had, but also any guilt or pride with the results.  They are not MY  results.  Once, they were my babies, my little boys, my wrestling teenagers, and now my best friends, but ultimately they are fellow adults who are making their way through their lives just like I am.  We enhance one another, enrich each other's lives and bring joy and happiness to our famly as a whole, and most certainly are forever intertwined........ but we are not a direct reflection of each other.  That is simply not in the plan. 

Instead, I am going to sit back and relax.  I'm going to enjoy my sons, enjoy my granddaughter and look brightly to the future and whatever it may bring.  I've cut the chain of guilt and regret, and instead have started a new chain of acceptance, love and happiness. 
And, when the occasion does arise, that I hear one of my babies call out 'Mom?', I am going to be grateful I get to answer.   

Friday, January 29, 2010

Oh NO! Not another Democrat!!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Crap, my dog is a democrat!

*hehe- thanks for the email BFC!**

Funny Bone Friday - Things I may have heard, or said, or just thought in my head

The kids just barf on it and then I have to clean it every week.

Blog much?

There's actually a mathematical equation for that.

Hey, don't pop my balls!

No! No!  We don't want Jesus in the picture!

It's true, I've never had your flank................ steak.

There can be something good out of a tumor.

Tuffy - are you using spoon?

I blame it on my brain cloud.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

A fabulous giveaway......FREE kids, FREE!!

Jenny Mac is one of my very favorite writers,  She's witty, charming and has the best stories to tell.
She is celebrating her year of being on the blog world and hosting a give away.

Go check her out, if you aren't already a reader, you'll soon become one, I promise, She's that good!

Thankful Thursday

Things I am thankful for today:


New hospitals that can do your scan the very next day.

Electronic medical records that I can legally access and read my own scan results.

That myy brain cloud has not changed.

That said brain cloud gives me a valid excuse for every stupid A thing I do.

CFDCWV - 'nuff said

Hot rice bags

Trips to St George (even if they are for work)

YW who bring me diet coke after mutual

Automatic dishwashers - sanitize sanitize sanitize

Gym rat friends who give a crap when you don't show up

6-8 phone calls a day from the same person

6-8 texts a day from the same person

Voice mails from Sissy that I save and listen to every single night over and over again.

Anything in particular you are thankful for this week?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wednesday's Wrandom Wrambling's

So many random thoughts, so little brain......

I missed the entire State of the Union address tonight by BO.  I kind of feel bad that I don't feel bad about missing it.  Last speech of his I watched, all I could see was Pelosi jumping up and down clapping wildly and Biden following her lead like a puppy.  Nope, I don't feel bad about missing it.  I will read about it sans the applause and make my own decision about it.

Saw my favorite PCP today for my headaches.  Gonna do some tests, try some approaches and see what happens.  Tonight is my first attempt.  New nigh-nigh sleep tight drug.  Ambien.  Warning - I am loaded as I type this, if I trail off. don't be concerned.  Splenda will turn off the computer and help me to bed.

Speaking of computers, our new one got here today.  Luka put it all together and it's screaming fast!  Love, LOVE, LOVE it!  That Splenda......when he spends, he spenda's goooood!

Next week, I head to St George for work.  I can't wait to see my old friend the sun again.  I have missed him so.  I can't wait to get into a car that has been heated by the sun.  And I swear if there are storms in the forecast for down there, I will cry big, big tears.

Jordan is in heat again.  Isn't that fun?  NOT!  Every time, it comes around, I swear I am going to go get her spayed, but I don't want to WHILE she is in heat since they charge more, and by the time she is all done, I have forgotten again.  And a little piece of my heart want's one more round of puppies.  Don't judge me.

Luka is still looking for a job.  Couple of leads he had earlier last week seem to be fading.  He is bored out of his gourd!  Any ideas?  The one position that he applied for had over 300 applicants.  That tells you how bad things are out there in the market.  I wonder what BO said about that sitch.

A certain Shark happened to mention Cafe Rio today.  Damn her.  Now I am going to fixate on it until I get it.  Cafe Rio.  Cafe Rio.  Cafe Rio.

2010 Edition of Getting to know you - Blogger Style

I had this sent to me by a couple of FAVORITE BLOGGERS (HER and HER), but when my computer crashed, I lost all my email contacts.  So instead of emailing it to all my bloggy friends, I figured I would put it out here, and then you can copy and paste in your own answers on your blog and it can still be an easy way to play the game:

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of Getting to Know Your Family and Friends: The Blogger Version.
Make sure you comment and let me know you're playing!

What's your occupation right now?  Official Title:  Application Technical Systems Analyst.  Unoffical title:  Security Nazi (or B*****)
What color are your socks right now?  Pink fuzzy jammie socks
What are you listening to right now?  Tuffy playing rock band.  And yes, I have a headache, but my darling, precious boy comes first. (insert sarcastic snort here)
What was the last thing you ate? Frosted Shredded Wheat (dry because milk is disgusting)

Can you drive a stick shift?  Oh yeah.  Molly enjoys when I move her stick around!
Last person you spoke to on the phone?  Tiburon.  Who else?
Do you like the person who sent this to you?  I love them both.  And someday, I will meet them IRL.  I WILL!
How old are you today? 40-freaking 3.  Old.
What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?  NY Yankees.  Like there is any other option.

What is your favorite drink? CFDCWV  (that is Caffeine Free Diet Coke With Vanilla)
Have you ever dyed your hair?   Have I ever not?  Does Sun-in ring a bell with anyone?  That's how long I have been coloring my hair.
Favorite food?  I could eat Pizza or Taco's every single night of the week and never get sick of them.  Ever.  I'm also a fan of the chips and salsa, candy, pasta, pretty much anything except cheese.

What is the last movie you watched?  Sherlock Holmes for GNO - That Robert Downey Jr.  My oh my.
Favorite day of the year?  August 16th.  My wedding anniversary.  Splenda is my everything.  For reals.
How do you vent anger? Clean and/or cry.  Or if I am healthy and it's warm outside, a good LOOOONG run.
What was your favorite toy as a child?  Little People School house.  For a long time I wanted to be a teacher.  Only because they got to boss people around.
What is your favorite season?  SUMMER - hands down
Cherries or blueberries?  Yes, please
Living situation?  Home that is ALMOST paid for.  Splenda, Tuffy, Luka and Jordan (Miss Barky Von Schnauzer) in the great SL valley.  Looking to retire somewhere warmer.
When was the last time you cried?  Sunday.  At church.  Always.
What’s on the floor of your closet right now? Shoes.  Mine.  And a couple of laundry baskets.
What did you do last night? Looked at work email, watched some Beck with Splenda, and went to bed very very early.

What are you most afraid of?  Something happening to one of my children.  Or dying unprepared.
Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?  Spicy - NO CHEESE
Favorite dog breed? Right now?  Schnauzers!

Favorite day of the week?  Prolly Saturday
How many states have you lived in?  2  Nevada and Utah
Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds
What is your favorite flower?  Roses.
Which of your friends in this distribution list have you had the longest?   Since I am not using a distribution link (remember a little crashing sitch?  I'll say in blogland..... Terri

Now - feel free to play along!  I'd like to know more about each of you!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tickle me pink Tuesday - Illustrated style

Things that are just 'tickling me pink' today:

Coming home from the office to a treat of brownie bites, skittles and the perfectly concocted CFDCWV.  I haven't felt well, and been in quite the funk, but SHE knew exactly what I needed!!

Blogger friends whose creativity knows no bounds.  A dinner celebration bodes prizes for everyone thanks to HER wonderfulness!  It now sits proudly on my desk at work and that bread in the background?  It may or may not have been the third loaf the server put in front of me.

My niece's husband (does that make him my nephew?).  Dude loves my Pumpkin dessert and when I finally got back to the house for dinner, I was so sad to see it was all gone.  He had however, saved himself one last piece.  Of course, he was kind enough to offer it to me, but I let him have it.  The next best thing?  Dude sneaks and takes a picture of it on my camera just to rub it in.  Just remember RH, what they say about paybacks!  : )

Sissy's ingenuity.  Left alone for a few brief moments in her room and look what happens. Baby Powder EVERYWHERE.  Now before you all start the lecturing about how dangerous it is if they breathe it in etc etc....  We got her cleaned up pretty quick, but not before snapping some pics.  Best Part?  Tuffy knows right away, to take extra pictures.  He knows how we roll around here!

What's tickling you pink today?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Buca Di Beppo + Boncos = Good times

Ever been to Buca Di Beppo's ?

It's a favorite spot of our Bonco's group and we have many a funny story from different excursions there. One such experience may or may not involve Frank Layden (former coach of the Utah Jazz), but you'd have to have been there to get the whole joke.

Anyhoo, this is where we went for dinner tonight and even though we were missng two of our couples, we still had a wonderful evening of fantastic food, great service from Jules, and best of all, enjoying each other.


I had saved all my calories for the day so I was freaking starving and for sure ate more than I should have, but when there are dishes like Chicken Carbonara, Penne Ariabiatta, and Shrimp Di Favoloa (sp), and topped off with some Tiramisu?  How could I resist?  Not to mention the garlic bread.  Whole cloves of garlic RIGHT ON THE BREAD.  I will be smelling like garlic for days to come!

One of the funnest things of all about the restaurant is the hilarious pictures they have throughout every room.  When they sat us at our table, it was immediately obvious where I would choose to sit.,

Yeah, I now, I am so classy.  And what the crap happened to my lips?  Note to M-Cat.  PUT LIPSTICK ON YOU DORK!

What a great time, and to my besties - B's and D's.... I love you.  To my mising besties - C's and D's, we missed you.  Next month!

Slang Gang Word of the Day

January 22: Leno Giver
When someone retires from a legendary television franchise, passes the torch to a worthy successor. Then he gets bored and starts a new show which sucks and then asks for their old job back by firing the successor.

He's a leno giver

**'Nuff said**

Funny Bone Friday - Things I may have heard, or said, or just thought in my head

You know, I really would like to pee with the light on please.

10,000 questions and dumb.  That is a wicked combination.

'Cause you just droped your pants while you were hung.

Can you quit taking after your Mother and clean up youu mouth?

How do you kill a man with no life?

You're pinging

Don't dink around like that dumbass

Right now, I'd rather throw cupcakes at a butthole.  Not the mini's but the big, huge Costco muffin size.

Nothing like man flaps flapping around latino style.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thankful Thursday - TOSH style

I am super thankful for TOSH Orthopedics.  For reals. 
Not only did I get fixed up nice and right but now, they are going to take care of my Splenda Daddy.  Now, of course, I AM an Intermountain Healthcare snob, but so be it. 

TOSH is one of the most premier orthopedic specialty hospitals around.  Between all the great orthopedic surgeons to each and every physical therapist and their highly trained assistants, a patient there gets service like you wouldn't believe.  I mean pro athletes from all over the world come here for rehab and training.

 Splenda's neck has been bothering him. After a diagnosis of 3 bulging discs (MRI), he had an injection at the pain clinic, but still having trouble.  So what to do?

I email my friend JS at Dr J's office. 
The abbreviated convo:
Me:  Does Dr J see necks and if not, can you recommend a good neck guy?
JS:  Yes, he does necks, depending on what is going on.
Me:  He had an MRI at the Mothership - should be accessible via EMR. (electronic medical record)
JS:  I'll have Dr J take a look and let you know.  PS - how's the running?

Not less than an hour later.......

JS:  So, DR J looked at the scan and impression and can help Splenda Daddy.  Call me and we'll get an appointment.
I forward the email to Splenda.  He calls JS, gets an appointment in less than a week.  FOR REALS!

Seriously, best patient care evah!  Talk about being on the ball, ready to help and busting tail to get you in and on the road to recovery. 

And let's not forget what they have done for me.  No words.

So a BIG thank you shout out to my friends at TOSH
JS; SF; Dr. J; and J my PT dude.
You guys friggin rock!

And to anyone reading, if you need a good orthopod or PT, email me and I'll give you the deets.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wednesday Wrandom Wrambling's

I really don't do well in January.  Or February.  Or March.  Okay, I don't do well unless it's like July through the end of August.  And while many of you frowned on my tanning bed,  it makes me happy.  Just a few minutes of bright lights, warmth and solitude.  I am lucky in that I inherited my Dad's skin.  Fair looking, but I can brown up like nobody's business.  Go ahead and judge. 

I really want hardwood floors.  Heck, I'll take laminate.  I am so OVER carpeting.  How to convince Splenda daddy....... the  good boob isn't going to work for this one.

I think I have found my trick for maintaing/losing weight.  I LOVE a huge lunch and then nothing else the rest of the day.  If I do eat at night, it's when I let myself have a little treat or a small snack.  So far, it's working great.  I am down 4 ellbee's.  Of course, the gym has to remain a huge part of my life, but that's easy.

Speaking of the gym.  I am SO NOT getting back to my racing shape.  I mean, I can run, but not long like I used to be able to.  It's very frustrating and I know that I need to chill out, and realize it will come back, but really, I want to be able to run.  LIKE I KNOW I CAN!

I'm going to try Zumba Friday morning.  I am positive I will make a fool of myself.  But what else is new?

I promised everyone I would make soup today.  Now I'm not in the mood.  I gotta quit setting expectations of myself for others.  Really.  If I were to just set out some ceral and milk, do you think anyone would notice?  I mean it's still bowls right?

I took my concealed weapons training course MONTHS ago and I still haven't sent in my paperwork.  I really need to just dig in my basket, find it and get it done.  Maybe Friday.

Speaking of Friday.  I get to take the day off and have Sissy come over early.  Maybe a matinee is in our cards.  Princess and the Frog or Alvin and the Chipmunks?  On second thought, don't answer that. 

Speaking of Sissy, I REALLY want to take her Disneyland in the fall.  Think it'll happen?  I hope so.

I read the obituaries.  I always have.  Is that weird?

I love doing the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper.  Yeah, we actually still TAKE the newspaper.  Only for my crossword puzzles.  And no, those books you can buy are not the same.  If I don't have time to do the puzzle for the day, I save it.  Sometimes on the weekends, I have the entire week's worth to do.  When I am traveling for work, I have to go buy the Deseret News so I can do the puzzles.  The Trib isn't the same, nor is it doing them on-line,  It makes me so happy. 

Speaking of happy, did I mention I don't do well this time of year?  'Sokay, will be having a little artificial light later today!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Here's to hoping

I have my mug of CFDC with vanilla raised to the voters in Massachusetts in the hopes that they do the right thing.
Not because I lean more conservative, but because I believe no body of Congress should be controlled by one party or the other.  Period.
Good luck Senator Brown!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

This is why

You don't let Sissy play unattended with Mimie's lipstick bag.

A whole lot of bloggy love and a great big Meme!

First off, thanks for the friends who "came out" during our de-lurking day.

Georgie in Tasmania - G'day mate!  Thanks for reading and love your guts!  PS - I have a "second son" serving a mission in that area right now.  In fact, Tasmania was his first assignment.  Watch over him would ya?

Token Male Reader from AZ - A pre-mssionary eh? Let me know when you get your call.  You'll be in our prayers.  In fact we pray for people by name.  "Please bless our Token Male Reader......."  will now be included.  Good luck to you, and I'd give you the whole xoxoxox thing too, but um, you ARE going to be a missionary and all.  I'll just remind you that I love you!

Patricia - Another gal called MeeMaw?  I freaking LOVE you already!  We need to be friends.

MaeRae - okay, she's not a blurker but she did give me a fabulous award last night!  Bloggy awards are F.U.N!

The rules are simply for me to list the 10 things that make me the most happy and then I pass on the award to 10 other bloggers.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezie.  Wait.  Is that phrase even still cool?  I never know anymore and dont' want to continue looking like a dorkwad.  Let me know if that one is out and there is something else in it's place.

Okay, without further ado....... 10 things that make me happy (in no particular order):

10.  My boys.  A few years after having Tuffy, I really wanted one more.  Just a little girl.  I dreamed about her, I was sure we were meant to have just one more.  But after having to use fertility drugs to get our Tuffy, Splenda said, nope.  Not going that route.  If Heavenly Father has one more to send us, it will happen naturally.  It didn't.  Now in hindsight, my family of  'my three sons' is exactly as it should happen.  I love them to the death and would do anything for them.

9.  Sissy.  There are no words.  I love her in a way that can't be described.  While it is different than the love I have for my own sons, it is not less or more intense, just different.  I don't suppose it can be understood until one is a grandparent themselves.  And she looks just the like the little girl I saw in my dream all those many years ago.  I know she is meant to be a part of our family.

8.  Splenda.  My best friend, my confidant, my love.  My absolute everything.  He keeps me grounded.  Reminds me when it's time to rein it in, but also laughs at and with me.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  He defends me when I am wronged, and corrects me when I need it.  He loves me and all my freaking quirkiness.  He is the absolute best there is!

7.  Friends.  I am a very lucky woman in that I feel like I have more than my share of friends.  Good friends.  Friends that listen, counsel, make me laugh, teach me, and are willing to be a little crazy and have fun with me.  I was told in a special blessing years ago, that my life would be filled with good friends and that they would help me in times of need.  I find that to be true every single day.  And this goes for all my bloggy friends whom I have never met IRL, but when I do, it will be like meeting someone I have known my whole life.  Maybe I should add that to my bucket list.  Make a visit to every state to meet blog friends in person.  That would be cool.

6.  Jordan.  Wha?  You put your DOG on here?  Heck yeah.  She makes me happy.  Even if she is the ultimate yapper that I need to work more on her training with that.  Even if her bark is so high and shrill it makes even the deafest person wince.  Even if  her breath stinks and she talks to much.  She makes me happy.  I would take her everywhere with me if it was allowed.  I'm starting to freak out about what to do with her in March while we are in Cancun.

5.  Diet coke.  Or diet pepsi.  I'm not particularly picky.  It just has to be brown, diet and bubbly.  I think I enjoy the carbonation the most.  That first swig of the day.......pure bliss. 

4.  A clean house.  I don't mean just stuff put away, I mean CLEAN.  SCOURED.  I grew up with the habit of scouring the house every Saturday (I could be wrong, correct me if need be Mom, but I sure remember it that way), and I loved the feeling when we were done.  I still try to get that done every Saturday, but lately it feels like we are a tich busy and it goes about every other week.  But once done, and you have that clean smell going on.....LOVE IT.  Make me muy happy.

3.  Coupons.  Okay, I admit it,  I am a coupon clipper and user.  Every week.  I keep a little envelope and I only clip coupons on products that I normally buy.  Each week before we head out to the Wally World (gasp), I review what we need, pull out the coupons and review the expiration dates.  If something is about to expire but we don't necessarily need it right away, I still get it.  Just saving the freakin .35 cents makes me feel a little happier inside.  I feel most happiness when at the check out line and I see that after they deduct all my coupons I have knocked 5 bucks or so off my bill.  Somtimes it's been as high as 12+ dollars.  So yeah, coupons make me happy.

2.  Eating out.  I hate cooking.  HATE IT!  Which would be why Splenda does the majority of it.  Yeah I can whip out a few specialties but in general, I'd rather clean the kitchen after someone else cooks the meal.  Even better, is eating out.  I could eat out, or order something in, every single night of the week and never get sick of it.  Ever. 

1.  My relgion, my faith.  Remember how I said these were in no particular order?  Well, this one is hard to put into words.  I was raised LDS (Mormon), and until I was a teenager, was an active participant.  Then, as many teens do, especially those with challenges in their lives, get rebellious and choose to walk away from it trying a different lifestyle.  After I had my kids, got my head back on straight,  the gospel has become one of the biggest things in my life.  It defines me, my choices and brings me so much happiness.  I do know what it is like without it, and I much prefer life with it.  The happiness I feel from it's principles, my association with my ward family, the strong testimony I have of Jesus Christ, and the opportunity to serve in my church are all encompassing and as I said before, very much defines who I am.

So that's it.  That's my 10 for now.  Of course the rules state I pass on to 10 other bloggers, and as much as I LOVE RULES. (no lie), I can never pick just 10.  So I am opening it to all of you.  Grab the logo and post your 10 happy things.  It's a great exercise in examing yourself and creating feelings of gratitude.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

If only......

I've had these thoughts rattling around my noggin for a while now, but tonight - I feel the urgency to post. 
I'm not sure who for, but I know I need to post it.  Now.  Tonight.
Gonna be long, bear with me, and you get a prize if you actually read the whole thing.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Phrases that we generally don't like to have in our vocabulary.  However, all too often, they're there looming like dark clouds, and most often we either choose to ignore or  we self-medicated to forget. 
Often there is a certain time or circumstance or experience that we wish we could go back and do again.  Differently.  Sometimes those woulda, coulda, shoulda thoughts consume us.  They plague us.  They haunt us.

My dad died with I was 14.  Heart Attack.  He was 36.  Yeah I know, too young.  And of course, any physician who ever hears that, freaks out and wants a complete cardiac work up on me even if I have stubbed my toe.
The day he died was a Saturday.  My parents had recently divorced (nasty one), we had moved from our home and the ward/neighborhood I had grown up in and I was a pissy 14 year old.  It was our Saturday to visit him.  We (me and my toddler sister) were at his apartment, just hanging out.  He made lunch and was laying on the couch.  I was laying on the floor underneath his glass coffee table and being a BRAT.  I remember he asked me to get something for him and I said no.  He asked again, telling me that his chest hurt.  I was so bratty I said no.  I didn't think much of it then, I was all consumed in my own life that I considered miserable at the time, and the rest of the visit went uneventful.
He died that early evening after dropping us off back at home.  He had returned to his apartment, gotten ready to take a shower and suffered a massive Myocardial Infarction (heart attack).
When I eventually understood the symptoms of a heart attack, I was racked with guilt.  I know, I was being a typical bratty teenager, but I should have been nicer. I should have helped him when he asked.  Why did my last day with him have to be so pissy?
For YEARS, I felt terrible about it.  I blamed myself.  I was sure it was all my fault, and if I had just helped him, his chest pain would have gone away, and he would have been fine.
Of course, now as a 43 year old woman, I can see the big picture.  I can see that things happen for a reason.  I cut myself some slack for being the bratty 14 year old that I was.  I also understand that my refusal to help him was not the leading cause of his death.  His poor genes, eating habits and lifestyle choices were the cause of his death.  But the sad thing is, it took me years to get to that conclusion.  A lot of years with a dark cloud over my head, and a weight on my shoulders that wasn't easy to share.

Some years ago, we had some close friends in our sons little league baseball.  The man was my youngest son's all star coach.  We were very fond of them and had some great times at the ball field.  One night, he and his wife were out with friends, bowling and drinking.  He and his wife got into a fight, some very harsh words and threats were exchanged and within a few hours, our friend took his own life.  Try explaining that to three under 12 year old boys.  I have had some contact with his wife off and on since then and I can see in her face, in her eyes, that she has never gotten over that.  Think about it.  Your last words with your spouse full of hate, venom, and anger.  It haunts her.  I see it and it hurts my heart.  The day we got the call explaining what had happened, we sat our boys down and made a pact.  We would never leave the house, or hang up the phone or part ways, without telling each other that we loved them.  All these years later, I am proud to say, we are still pretty dang good about it.  Even when we might not have felt like saying those words, we did and still do.  It's just habit now.

Last week Splenda attended a funeral.  A female coworker's son (in his early twenties) took his own life.  He left a note expressing his feelings of failure and not being able to cope with the things life was throwing him.  He had made some choices that left him in the difficult state of being a father too soon while living a lifestyle that was opposite of how he had been raised.  He didn't feel he could do it, and took the route of escape.
Splenda came home from the funeral and shared some things.  Of course there were family members who spoke of wishing they could have known how he felt, and wishing that they could have done something to prevent his suicide.  All very normal feelings I would imagine.  Then his scoutmaster spoke.  His scoutmaster was very real in his feelings for this young man.  He shared stories of how this kid used to push his buttons and how he was a challenge but in all of this stories, he was clear about his feelings for the kid.  He loved him.  This scoutmaster served as a father figure for the young man ever since his parents divorced.  In fact, his mom used to threaten, "Don't make me call Richard". The boy respected him and loved him.  And the scoutmaster felt that in return, despite the trouble he caused.

And then that scoutmaster shared his own story.  His daughter has been missing now for 15 years.  She went to school one day and never came home.  They have found her killers, but never her body.  He shared his last morning with her.  She didn't want to go to school and was arguing about it, and dragging her feet.  Her mother was waiting for her in the car, and her dad finally so angered yelled "Get your damn makeup and get the hell outta here!".  Those were his last words to her.  I can't imagine the torment you would feel.  I think it might be more than I could possibly take.  However, this man shared an additional thought.  He said, "If I had to do it over again, I probably would have yelled the same thing, but then hugged her and told her I loved her."

There are times we don't get mulligans.  Times we don't get to cry out "Do over!".  What if someone you loved was suddenly gone tomorrow?  Would you be okay about your relationship?  Would you be alright with your last words with them?

As I have thought this over, I also realize that a relationship involves two or more people.  You can only be responsible for yourself, you can't control anyone else.  So as I review my different relationships with family members and friends, I think about my end of it.  Am I at peace with how I feel towards that person, and if they were to suddenly be gone from this earth, would I be okay, or would I be racked with guilt about things I should have said, or done, or didn't say or didn't do?

Life can be gone in an instant.  You never know when someone may be taken from you.  I have a firm and steadfast belief in a loving Heavenly Father and an eternal afterlife in which we can be with our families,   However, when someone leaves to take on that immortal journey, we are left on this earth to go on without them.  It will be our choice whether or not we go on at peace with ourselves, happy, and awaiting a joyful reunion.  Or not.

For me?  I'm gonna work on the peace, happy and joyful reunion choice.

PS  I love you


Friday, January 15, 2010

The Beast

Because you know someone battling The Beast, or because YOU are battling The Beast.....

Click here, read her story and see if you have something to offer.


A day late and a dollar short

Generally the theme of my life.  For reals.

I'm catching up on reading blogs and whaddya know? Apparently yesterday was National De-Lurking Day. Day to come out of the blurking closet. You know who you are. You read, you may or may not enjoy, and then you leave. And all I have to know you were there, is some stats that leave me guessing. Does Splenda hit my blog several times a day to just make me feel better or are there really people out there?........
So, in the spirit of stringing out any kind of celebration going for as long as I possibly can, I think we'll just keep the party hopping and allow all you blurkers out there to just take today as your day to make your presence known. Feel free to introduce yourselves. Say hi. Let me know you're out there. And I promise, this is a "safe house" to come out in. I'm a fellow blurker myself so no judging here.


Question of the day....?

Yes or No?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thankful Thursday

It's been awhile since I've done a Thankful Thursday post, but in light of my whole new 'tude I'm trying to adopt this year, I better be more diligent at it.

I am thankful for:

Good friends. Being the uberly social creature that I am, good people are a fundamental and critical piece to my life. Lot's of friends. Lot's of besties. Some are RL day to day besties and others are there for me everytime I turn on my computer. Love each and every single one of them! And even better, I am learning to let the toxic ones go by the wayside.

Mi Familia. It's been so fun to have the boy home, and just hanging about. Sure he needs to get his a** to work, get a job, start school, you know all that crap. But for now, it's fun to have him around. A lot. In fact, all three boys were at dinner one night recently and it felt nice!

That I don't live in Haiti. Or have loved ones in Haiti. What a horrible thing and my heart goes out to those people.

My gym being so close to my house. Totally within walking distance (when it's not bitter butt cold). It's so convenient that it makes it that much easier to get there and work out.

Double Gulp cups and the CFDC with vanilla that come in them. And that the Shark will not only fetch me one while she is out and about, but then let me borrow her TT logo.

Whatchoo thankful for today?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday Wrandom Wrambling's

It's Wednesday again and a whole lot of crapola rambling around in my head which, by the way hurts.

What's up with that? I can see having a headache at the end of the day from stress or eye strain or something like that. But to WAKE UP with one? Every day? Some day's it's not too bad, and once I get moving around, it goes away. Other days, I can't even move my head for a little bit. WTC! I prolly should google it, and then self-diagnose and self-treat. Yeah, that's the ticket.

It's cold. And yes, it's January, but it feels colder than normal. I don't know if it is or not, but it feels it. I can't wait to be able to retire down south. Hope Splenda will come with me : )

Been watching Sarah Palin on the Glenn Beck show. I saw her on O'Reilly the other night, and while I haven't been a HUGE fan of hers, I have been impressed with her Fox news circuit. I love the fact that a good part of the discussion was their believe in God, and of eternal ramifications of what happens in this life. I admire people who are not afraid to speak up about their beliefs. Even if they are different than mine, I enjoy the diversity and think we all have something to learn from each other.

I'm pretty astounded at the level of destruction in Haiti. Pretty much speechless. I just heard that the American Red Cross has already run out of medical supplies. I am glad to know that my church will jump in and offer aid. We have members there, no missionaries, but regardless of whether we did or not, my church would still give aid and assistance. I love that. I am also pleased that BO committed help from the US.

In less than 8 weeks I am going to be lying on a beach in Mexico. Words can't describe how excited I am for that. Muy Excited!! (pretty sure that is NOT a correct Spanish phrase - whatev)

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my YW? They are such good girls, trying their best to do good things and BE good. They are fun, energetic and a blast to be around. We have taken December off from activities and we started back up last week, and I really am just so excited to be with them. A bunch of daughters I never had.

I have GNO tomorrow night with some fun gals, and then dinner Saturday with some besties. I have much to look forward to this week.

And now, I better go google this head sitch. Get it fixed and on with the joy of life.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tickle Me Pink Tuesday - illustrated version......

I am tickled pink that we got the Yankee room finished and my official MLB bedding came.

I am tickled that my boys now have beautiful bedroom sets. The idea was to give them something nice that they could take with them when they got married and moved out.

And I'm tickled that Splenda finally found the right size of this piece of art that we have been wanting. Tuffy gave us some cash for Christmas in 2008. If my kids give us cash for gifts, we turn it into a piece of art for our home. Everytime I look at the painting I want to remember what that boy gave us.President George Washington kneeling in prayer at Valley Forge. I love it.

What's tickling you pink today?

Monday, January 11, 2010

My final Missionary Monday post

Yesterday was it. His report to our ward and the last time he wore his missionary badge.

After an amazing meeting, which, NGL - the kid did a great job. I loved his every word, and wondered so much, who WAS this man that he has become. Nothing ever quite prepares a mother to see the changes in her son that comes from 2 years of complete sacrifice, devotion and consecration to his belief and faith in God. 2 years of doing nothing but the Lord's work. 2 years of serving other people and sharing a message of happiness.

After the meeting, he hung out in the foyer of the church while Splenda and I raced home to pull out the food and get the party started. I gave my camera to a couple of people and asked for random pictures.

I only wish I would have stayed behind at the church and let others get lunch set up. There were so many people who came, visited with him, but didn't make it back to the house, therefore I missed them.

Again - a HUGE thank you to all the family and friends who made the say so special. From the minute I woke up to the minute I laid my exhausted head on my pillow, I was exhilarated.

And if I can get my movie maker software to work, I'll get his talk and testimony (in Espanol) loaded for anyone who missed it.