Okay, today is a very important question. It's a two-parter and I am hoping someone out there will give me SOME idea or clue as to how to handle this sitch.
Here's the low down: WHY are some people just so miserable and unhappy that they can do nothing but bring everyone around them down? They literally SUCK all the goodness and positive energy from EVERY SINGLE PERSON they encounter. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They are constantly complaining, whining, criticizing, finding fault and generally being a total fiend to be around. They go out of their way to find shortcomings in others (real or otherwise), and then proceed to point them out to everyone and anyone around them that they can get to listen to them for half a second. Even to go so far as to write emails or make phone calls to someone that they think can reprimand another person for a perceived fault or error. They delight in bad gossip. They want in "on the know" NOT because they are concerned about a friend, but simply because they delight in the bad fortune in others. They get off on trials in other people's lives. Have I described this type of person well enough? We all have either been the target of someone like this, or have seen this behavior in someone.
Here's the next part. How the crap do you deal with this? I am at a loss. There is such a person, let's just call her crybaby for now, that has chosen a BFF as her target right now. I'm sure said BFF is not her only victim since crybaby seems to just operate this way as a normal function of life. For me, I generally just let this kind of person to drop right off my radar. I let them go. I've no time for such nonsense and won' let myself get brought down. Remember the Happy Bus? But, that being said, you DON'T mess with my BFF's. Plain and simple. I will not stand for it. So how do I handle this? I know how I want to, and it's NOT appropriate. It would NOT be appropriate to confront her and call her a big, fat, ugly pig. And, to call her on the carpet for every mean thing she has said and done for the past several weeks involving my said BFF, tell her how much no likes her and that she is a pain in the a** to be around and could she please just go find a new place to work out at and leave us alone. To threaten her that if she approaches my said BFF ONE.MORE.TIME, I might go all postal on her. NONE of that is appropriate, I know. That would be stooping to the 14 year old mean girl in me. I am better than that. However, I am no where good enough to know the right way to deal with this.
Help? Suggestions? I'm all ears on this one.......
20 comments:
Amen to that sista.
Wish I knew how to deal - cause I am at a loss too.
Maybe we will get some good suggestions.
First, I want you to know that this is NOT a shameless promotion of my blog; if I had time I'd figure out how to e-mail you this link and keep everyone else out of it. But I posted about your first paragraph a few weeks ago, and the response was amazing. (If you're interested, it was called "This Above All...Really?") Needless to say, there are a lot of people out there who feel your pain.
Now, we live in culture and time where it seems like our only two choices are
1: Passive, rosy cheeked Christian who lets the whole world walk all over her, or, 2: Bitchy.
No one is modeling option 3, which, ironically, is the one I think is the most Christ-like.
There is nothing wrong with Tiburon taking this woman aside and asking if she's ok, if there is any way she (T) can help. When this opens the door to the dialogue that will follow, she can say, "Well, I know you're unhappy, and I feel bad about that. But it's hard for me to carry my load and yours, too. I would like to see you get some real help with your life, and I strongly urge you to talk to...." whoever would be best suited to deal with whatever the whiner is whining about.
Know what? This usually offends the whiner. But that's because of who they are, not because of what was said. Regardless, they usually back off after that.
Having been there (and been there, and...) I wish you the very best of luck with this. And I strongly encourage you to extract yourself from this situation as soon as possible. With very few exceptions, these people don't want to change, and their negativity is terminally toxic to their well-meaning victims.
My least favorite scenerio. I have no clue. It never is a happy ending or place. Good luck though Melissa. I feel for ya.
I'd say invite her to read this post.
Pretty sure she will read this post.
I might bet my hands on it.
Some people just bug, that's all there is to it. I don't like confrontations, but sometimes you just have to gird up your loins and go for it. She'll back off after she's confronted.
Oh and for the record - *I* am not the one being harassed - it is a mutual friend of both mine and Melissa.
And we both want to issue a beat down.
I would let Crybaby in on what you and Tib feel, that's ridiculous. How can someone call themselves a friend only to hear the dirt on other people's misfortunes? Really? My question to you...why would you want to be friends with someone like that?!? Sorry if that sounded a little mean.
Whoah! I got nothin'. I'm one who usually avoids confrontation.
Good luck!
When all is said and done, let us know how it went down....just for future reference, of course.
I agree--it's time to call her out. I usually avoid confrontation like the plague. That is, until my kids or my friends are involved--then it's time for mama bear to come out. You need to speak your mind and tell her how she is making everyone feel. It likely won't make her change how she acts, but it will hopefully make her steer clear of you and your BFF. (That's because she will be busy talking about you to everyone else;)
I'm going to go with the 'call her out' crowd on this one. Even though it would make me very uncomfortable. But maybe if both you and Tib talked to her together (in all the kindness you can muster) that would give you courage to do so? Is this person someone that you are "required" to have regular contact with? Like through work or church. If so that makes it harder.
I think I might send my isues your way. Your friend is lucky she has women like you that have her back.
I am hoping for a soap-opera update on this post later :-)
I think it depends on her actions. What kind of thing is she doing? Does BFF have to associate with his person? Can you cut her out?
I did. I cut off an 8 year-friendship because she became too toxic.
Well, obviously crybaby has problems. Serious ones. That doesn't mean you need to cater to her or even be understanding if you don't care to.
But I think the point that is being missed here (and you may hate me for this) is that BFF needs to be the one to take care of the situation. She is the one who needs to confront crybaby or simply walk away or whatever needs to be done. One one can take advantage of you with out your permission. I know that's trite, but it's really true. You can be supportive of BFF, but she needs to fight her own battles unless you are somehow also directly involved.
Unfortunately, I know people like this and they surround my husband all the time. I usually let them drop off my radar and spend my time telling my husband to find happier friends. But I'm confused. Is crybaby being mean to your BFF or bringing your BFF down? What is your BFF doing about it? Sounds like BFF might need to take a stand as well.
My sister is that way...two sisters actually. I'm lucky enough to be able to avoid them because I live far away.
I don't know if I would talk to her about it or not. If it were one of my kids I'd probably tell them to say," If you're going to behave that way, I'm not going to hang around with you." Usually works. :)
Melissa, thank you for your comment on my missionary post. You make me feel a little less mortified! ;-)
OK...when I read the first part I totally thought you had been talking to Martha and were describing someone I know in my life..(ask Martha she'll tell you!) You described her perfectly...in my case the healthiest thing I have done is to completely wipe her out of my life! I am a very happy person and there is NO room in my life for someone to upset the balance...she does not deserve that much control...in my case she is a "writer" (she does not vocalise her anger, just writes you letters) so my response is...NONE & I will "return to Sender" any poison pen letters I continue to receive. Hope this helps!?
Oh & it also describes one of the ladies who works for our local grocery store customer service too...some-days when the cashier rings me up incorrectly I'll choose not to even go to customer service to deal with it if she is there...she is totally a Happiness Leach...she can suck away all happiness in a mile radius with out saying a thing...it's scary and I prefer to not even come in contact with her! I guess there are just those people...just like there are those people who are super Awesome...like ourselves of course! LoL!
I agree with DeNae. And not just because she's my sister. Or maybe that is why. Because we think similarly. People can be toxic. There's enough bull sheesh going on right now that the las thing you need is someone intentionally draggin you down!
You're too much fun to be involved with such a fun-hater!
What's the deal with bully girls? I usually try not to associate with that type...however, I do seem to always be placed in church callings with such ladies. Then you kind of have to work it out. Usually I've found this type of gal needs to be told firmly to knock it off!!!
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