Friday, August 14, 2009
Complete and Utter Randomness
**Warning - pretty much a downer today...... sorry, feel free to click mark as read or completely ignore.......
I've been out of the blogging loop for a few days. Well, let me clarify, I am blurking and reading and commenting on occasion if I think I have something witty to say, but as for posting my own thoughts. It's been a couple days. I think my head might explode with all the crap that is going on right now. Do you ever have times in your life where you just want to cry 'uncle'? Yeah, I've been in that mode for about...oh......3 years now? I'm done. I quit. I've had enough. I thought my little jaunt to St George might clear my head and rejuvenate me, but I ended up doing nothing but work for 10-12 hours each day, so not really the ideal lift.
On Sunday, I will have been married for 25 years. I think that is pretty dang good considering the challenges we face in the world today. Yeah, I'm proud of it. Splenda and I are escaping to Park City for an overnighter. I am excited, and hope it will be a nice break, but then in the back of my mind, I can't let the worry go about some of the other issues at hand. I really need to find a way to do that.
I'm weepy. You know those times in your life, when you kinda get teary for no reason at all? Yeah, I'm there right now. I think about my husband, I get teary. I think of my sons and granddaughter, I get teary. I think about my friends, I get......you know - teary. I think about my dogs.... I think about bloggers that I have never even met in real life and yep, I start crying. Everything seems so tender to me. WTC? I'm not a tender gal by nature so this is weird to me.
I want to move. I'm done with this crackerbox house. I'm over it. I want something new. I just don't want a mortgage. How can I make this happen? We are 3 years away from having our house paid for. The thought of jumping into another 15 year loan (no 30 year for us), depresses me, but I think my current home depresses me more. What to do What to do?
My knee is still bothering me. I'm sure it's the IT band issue, and I am doing all the things I know to do, and I get it feeling better but then once I hit a long run, it's right back to painful. I did 7.4 miles Wednesday and limped the last half mile in. Frustrating. Especially considering I have major events every weekend until the marathon in September. I think I am going to go see my massage therapist and get this worked on.
I need to work more on my spirituality. I'm slacking. I am not doing the things every day I need to. I have no trouble with my testimony of the gospel plan that I believe in. That's not the issue, but I need to get more in tune. I need to stop being so inappropriate, obnoxious, and immature and step it up a notch. I'm sure that's contributing to my funk.
Have you ever felt like a complete failure? Like you just didn't do it? That phrase "if only I" haunts me right now. It makes my heart hurt and I'm not sure when that will ever go away. Being a parent is hard. I viewed it as rainbows, sunshine and unicorns pooping butterflies. It's not.
Okay I think I have vented enough. Please, really, understand I am a happy person and I am more than blessed. Beyond anything I have ever earned. Just a little funk right now. I'll snap out of it. I promise. But it does feel good just to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.