Friday, August 14, 2009

Complete and Utter Randomness

**Warning - pretty much a downer today...... sorry, feel free to click mark as read or completely ignore.......

I've been out of the blogging loop for a few days. Well, let me clarify, I am blurking and reading and commenting on occasion if I think I have something witty to say, but as for posting my own thoughts. It's been a couple days. I think my head might explode with all the crap that is going on right now. Do you ever have times in your life where you just want to cry 'uncle'? Yeah, I've been in that mode for about...oh......3 years now? I'm done. I quit. I've had enough. I thought my little jaunt to St George might clear my head and rejuvenate me, but I ended up doing nothing but work for 10-12 hours each day, so not really the ideal lift.

On Sunday, I will have been married for 25 years. I think that is pretty dang good considering the challenges we face in the world today. Yeah, I'm proud of it. Splenda and I are escaping to Park City for an overnighter. I am excited, and hope it will be a nice break, but then in the back of my mind, I can't let the worry go about some of the other issues at hand. I really need to find a way to do that.

I'm weepy. You know those times in your life, when you kinda get teary for no reason at all? Yeah, I'm there right now. I think about my husband, I get teary. I think of my sons and granddaughter, I get teary. I think about my friends, I know - teary. I think about my dogs.... I think about bloggers that I have never even met in real life and yep, I start crying. Everything seems so tender to me. WTC? I'm not a tender gal by nature so this is weird to me.

I want to move. I'm done with this crackerbox house. I'm over it. I want something new. I just don't want a mortgage. How can I make this happen? We are 3 years away from having our house paid for. The thought of jumping into another 15 year loan (no 30 year for us), depresses me, but I think my current home depresses me more. What to do What to do?

My knee is still bothering me. I'm sure it's the IT band issue, and I am doing all the things I know to do, and I get it feeling better but then once I hit a long run, it's right back to painful. I did 7.4 miles Wednesday and limped the last half mile in. Frustrating. Especially considering I have major events every weekend until the marathon in September. I think I am going to go see my massage therapist and get this worked on.

I need to work more on my spirituality. I'm slacking. I am not doing the things every day I need to. I have no trouble with my testimony of the gospel plan that I believe in. That's not the issue, but I need to get more in tune. I need to stop being so inappropriate, obnoxious, and immature and step it up a notch. I'm sure that's contributing to my funk.

Have you ever felt like a complete failure? Like you just didn't do it? That phrase "if only I" haunts me right now. It makes my heart hurt and I'm not sure when that will ever go away. Being a parent is hard. I viewed it as rainbows, sunshine and unicorns pooping butterflies. It's not.

Okay I think I have vented enough. Please, really, understand I am a happy person and I am more than blessed. Beyond anything I have ever earned. Just a little funk right now. I'll snap out of it. I promise. But it does feel good just to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.


Plain Jame said...

Listen lady, we can't all be happy all the time about everything. It's not Gods plan. (Plus it's annoying to read someones blog that is never real about their challenges either). We all have them so it's much more refreshing to hear other peoples from time to time.

I could've written some of what you said today - the house, the physical, the spiritual... I can relate in some ways.

Of course you'll snap out of it.

You sortn' soothe... thats why.

Martha H. said...

I hate funks! I'm sorry you are in one.

I love you, girl, and have missed you like crazy this week.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help out. (I mean it!)

Kristina P. said...

We ALL go through funks, Melissa. I don't think you are an unhappy or negative person. I hope that things look up soon.

Sher said...

I'm sorry you are in a rut. But I'm glad I'm not the only one going crazy this week. i don't know why my deal is, but just dont' I love your guts and I think you are one of the most amazing women I've ever met.
Ever need to vent or cry, seriously call me anytime!

Cherie said...

Happy 25th Anniversary! It is a great milestone.

I don't know you and I have just started reading your blog but we could be twinners right now I swear.

The tears, the house, the spirituality, the what to do?

I am "trying to find myself" right now too. It is nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way. I have trouble sharing these tough feelings on my own blog.

So, know you are not alone. I hope you have a great time in Park City with your hubby!

Smiles :D

Pedaling said...

hmmm, i wonder if i could help?

maybe a little one on one time- the 2 of us - is in order.....

you have my number.

i know you have friends, knowledge and a normally up personality,,,

sometimes that just doesn't cut it.

Heather said...

As always, thanks for keeping it real. That's one of the main reasons, I think, so many people love your blog. You be who you be no matter what - and everyone loves you for it.

We have all felt similarly before, and it is comforting to see that someone else, especially someone we admire, goes through these feelings, too. That, in no way, means that we are happy to see you struggle, but perhaps you can find comfort in the fact that your experience can be helpful to another? I don't know - I'm rambling now - but I hope you get the gist of what I mean in the spirit in which it was intended.

I think you're great and I've never even had the pleasure of meeting you in person. Keep on keepin' on, and being a great example for the rest of us.

glittersmama said...

I hope you enjoy your Park City getaway. Congratulations on 25 years! That is awesome.

Just keep trucking along.

(five more weeks until The Office premiere. woohoo!)

Erin said...

We definitely all have down times. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope that you can work some things out on your end. And enjoy your getaway!

DeNae said...

I think you should move. Seriously. If that's how you're feeling, just look into it. Call a realtor. Get an appraisal or two. If nothing else, it's a great way to exercise your brain for a few weeks.

And I'm beginning to think August sucks for pretty much everyone. I"m sorry you're in a funk, MCat!

I think you're awesome, if that counts for anything.

dubb and dawni said...

Listen Lady ...YOUR FREAKING AWESOME and I really mean that. There is not a day go by that I don't read your blog and giggle till I almost pee my pants and when ever I need help at work I know I can always get your help! We all have FUNKS and I think it's the time to step back and be thankful for what we have!

Rhonda said...

Good thing we don't live too close....or we may end up at some happy hour eating all the mini burritos we can shove in our mouths. All at the risk of being thrown out by some really foul bouncer who accused us of using the word "snap" too much.

Sorry life sucks right now. Hope the venting helped.

Come out here and we will show you some real east coast fun. Susette comes out over Halloween. You are ALWAYS welcome here.

Annie said...


You do a good job of hiding your down days.

I wish I would have known, I would have hugged you longer.

CountessLaurie said...

I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone! Hang in there! Have some snuggle luving with the little one!

tammy said...

I get the "if only's" a lot. Some of them are in my dreams at night and make me feel like a failure often. Hate that. And the ruts stink.

Congrats on 25 years!! That is awesome. I want Luvpilot and I to be like you and Splenda.

Jillybean said...

Sorry to hear about your rut.
You should move to my neighborhood. There is a lovely house for sale and many of my neighbors go out jogging at a ridiculous hour of the morning.

Mom said...

Isn't it nice to know you are so normal!I think a little chocolate might be in order here. Love ya lots!!!!!

Becca said...

I think you stole this whole post right from my brain! Only your rut has lasted days--its been almost a month since my last post and all I do is feel like I'm falling into a deeper hole which I am having a really hard time climbing out of. And don't even get me started on the moving thing--I hear you sister- we just put up the for sale by owner sign! I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I seem to be stuck in that funk--good luck getting out, I'll send happy thoughts your way!
And for the record--it's ok if you have to wait till next year to do the marathon--really!!! Wouldn't you rather do it healthy and strong than miserable and frustrated. I've done it both ways and believe me, it's frustrating enough when your legs don't hurt every step of the way! No on will think less of you for not doing it! I PROMISE!

AS Amber said...

My house depresses me, too. I hate it.

You're freakin' awesome, though. Love you tons and tons!

Loralee and the gang... said...'s weird how you can get inside my head. I am there with you all the way, except for the knee problem - that stinks big time for you I know - my deal is binge eating right now, which I need to get over or all my hard work of the past 6 months will be for nothing in no time. I am just glad we have this outlet to vent, so that we can lift one another up. And sister, I will tell you, keep your chin up, (as I will try to do, too) I love you lots, (even though we've never even met)and Stay Close to the things that are near and dear to you. Everything else will work itself out.

Loralee and the gang... said...

...and, Happy Anniversary! 25 years IS a HUGE accoomplishment. Have a GREAT weekend with your sweetheart!

Sarah said...

Glad its not just me. Sometimes its nice to know that when you are in a funk, that if you look hard enough there is always someone in there with you. Hope it clears up soon!

veronica said...

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Hope there are some "funk-less" days in your very near future!

Kado! said...

I hate those kind-a is hard living so far away from any friends....I'd love to just sleep those kind-a days away...too bad 4 year olds don't just let you sulk in your depression....Nox is my Zoloft some days!!! ;)

hope you are having a GREAT day! I love you!

SO said...

Hey I'm trying to do a little blog "catch-up". Sorry that you had this bad day. I've totally been there. Those days/times are really yucky. Even when they don't last for very long. Sometimes we need them to really enjoy the up times. I know that doesn't make the rough times any easier when you are going through it all. I hope things are a bit better for you now. And Sorry I'm so behind in commenting on this.