Sunday, November 11, 2012

Physical Aches, Darkness and Light

Do you ever miss someone or something so much that you physically feel it?  Like an actual ache?

I was feeling ambitious yesterday and deep cleaned in my kitchen.  Removed years of dust from on top of the cabinets and pulled out the oven to clean the sides, underneath, and behind it.

Much to my delight I found this:

Judging on the fact that she had written her name on the front, I'm thinking this was during her Challenger School months.

I sat down and inspected it closer while immediately feelings washed over me of pure, physical ache.  Missing her running around, doing her thing and filling my home with happiness.  The void I felt was palpable.

But then....I think of how happy she is right now.  Exactly where she belongs.  Knowing that I can skype or visit her became just enough for me.  As quickly as the feelings of loss came, they left with that reminder.  She's just a phone call away.  One click on the computer.  She's busy doing the right thing in the right place with the where she rightfully belongs.  Mommy, Daddy her room with her desk, her TV room, her friends, her playground, her school.
I smiled, set the mask aside to take out to her later this year and went back to cleaning and other thoughts.

Jill.  Overwhelming feelings of sadness.  I can't imagine the grief her parents feel.  The loss without the ease of a phone call or mouse click to fill the void.  If Splenda Daddy and me are often struck with sometimes kneebuckling  grief, I can only imagine what it would be like for them.  

I've been told that doing the tree this year for Festival will be healing.  So far, I find it stressful.  What if it sucks?  What if I can't make it come together?  What if no one likes it?  What if I really can't make it happen and I fail?  
Why do I cry everytime I put ornaments on and try to do a practice decorate?

The physical ache comes back but instead for Jill.  For what might have been.  For the pain she must have been feeling.  For the ones left behind that are still hurting.

Suicide is dark.  
I hope I can get the tree light enough.

Meanwhile, I will sit with my happy thoughts of her


Mrs. Organic said...

Her tree will be spectacular. Love you. said...

You are moving in the right direction, sweetie. Even though sometimes it may feel like you're not moving at all. Trust God to know exactly how to heal you. He will.
Love ya!

" Hit It......." said...

Your tree will be beautiful. I think you need a skype session with Chloe'. Remember, the tree business is about charity. I would too be stressed..I am not very crafty. :)

tammy said...

I can't imagine the pain and loss I would feel if I lost a child. I can't even stand thinking about it.

I wish I was there to help you with the tree. It looked like on FB that you had some offers though, so that's good. My goal was to bring you something for it while I was there, but I couldn't find what I wanted. I'll just have to mail you something.

DesertHen said...

I just found out that our town will have a "festival of trees" this year! I'm really excited. I know it will be small, but all the same, it will be great to see!

Your going to be beautiful! Don't worry...listen to your heart, it knows what to do!

wendy said...

kneebuckling grief...yup.
I know how much you miss little Chloe, cause I know how much I miss my grandkids. It's a grandma thing.
You will do GREAT on your tree for the festival. I think it is very admirable that you took it on.
When Chloe is older, and you show her pictures of the tree and the reason behind it, it will mean a great deal to her.

karen said...

Your tree will be beautiful because it's filled with love. Sometimes when you're creating it helps to step back and have a look a bit later. I find that what I was hating so much actually looks pretty good.
Sweet Chloe - she would cure most ills, I think.

Garden of Egan said...

So well said.
I can't imagine any of it.
So thankful Cholee is so happy. What a sweet thing to find.

I know your Festival will be beautiful. I hope to be able to see it.

Hugs. You are truly amazing.

namaste said...

your tree will be lovely, m. i'm sorry you're hurting. sending you love and (((hugs)))!