Tuesday, June 7, 2011

One Pathetic Loser

I have been feeling like a pathetic loser.  First off - TOTALLY FORGOT I WAS DOING A GIVE AWAY!  How lame am I?  Will be heading there tonight for Sam to draw the winner out and posting later this evening or first thing in the morning.

Between you and me...it's been a hella 6 months.  Like bad.  Like reeeeaaaallly bad.  Like I am now out of adrenaline mode and crashing.  Hard.

I said to a friend today, I am either crying, yelling or under the covers in my bed.  That is SO NOT me.  I don't like it.  In fact, I hate it.

Oh sure, I can paint a smile on like the rest of the good folk do.  I have acting skillz like you wouldn't believe.  In fact, I should start writing my Oscar speech - since I am totally in the running.

Truth be told.  M-Cat ain't so good.  M-Cat's a little bat shiz crazy.  My doc said we like to call that BSC disease. Not crazy as in mentally ill, sheesh, no need to take it that far, just that everything over the past 6 months has added up, I have not dealt with my real feelings and now it's coming out in spades.  Or is that in buckets?  Either way, for fear of judgement or my own fear of failure or fear of facing reality, I have stuffed the sad feelings, blocked my little heart and moved forward out of sheer necessity.

For the record, Chloee has no idea.  I NEVER let her see me cry.  NEVER let her see me mad.  NEVER let her see me hide in my bed.  She doesn't need that crap, and I refuse to give it to her.  She had enough already in her time.  Her life is sunshine, rainbows and unicorns pooping butterfly's.

Splenda on the other hand?   If St Peter hasn't made him a saint by now, then something is seriously wrong with the afterlife.  Dude is a serious ROCK!

So the diagnosis is this (for now) - I need to let myself grieve for Jill.  I can hardly embrace a new daughter-in-love and her family if I can't resolve the old.  And for the stalkers who still bumble their way over here to report back on what I say - let the record state:
I NEVER HIRED AN ATTORNEY TO TAKE CHLOEE AWAY FROM JILL.  I NEVER TOLD HER THAT I DID.  Splenda and I did nothing but offer help time and time again for her.  Period.

So please stop saying that I am the reason she killed herself.  Stop saying "that Melissa has blood on her hands" because you know what?  I don't.  I am not the reason Jill killed herself.  I have read her suicide note, I have emails from right before she died.  We were on good terms.  And despite what others might think, I loved her.  I loved the old Jill.  The fun, teasing, playful, pixie girl Jill.  So, stop projecting your own guilt on me. 

And that's all I am gonna say about that on my public blog.   Go report back it to your queen and twist it however you want, but that is the truth and the end on my public blog. 

Private blogs are awesome.

So back to the emotionally drained M-Cat.  I will find my fun self again.  My "let's have a party" self.  The girl that can't wait to jump out of bed and go hit the pavement.  The woman who wants to do nothing but play and eat.  She'll be back.  And real soon friends - real soon.

Peace, out


LKP said...

i love you. :) while i laid in a crummy super8 motel last thursday afternoon on 900 east, i was missing you. and i was praying God would give me the energy to snag a live session at the SLC temple and hopefully drag you along with me. turned out to be a big fat no-go. totally zapped from the service earlier in the day and the week & a half of instant grief prior, i just zonked out. so, even though i was there but didn't call, know that you were in my thoughts. ::hugs::

gigi said...

No so sure that sounded convincing or not? But sure praying for you and hope you can get that M-Cat back soon.

wendy said...

FINALLY...I now have a name for it.
BSC disease. Next time I tell my dr. to UP my happy pills I'll be able to tell him it is because I have BSC...so PUT THAT in your freaking medical journal.

I so hear ya. I am sorry you are having to deal with all this. But, we have talked, and from someone who has gone through 18 months of shiz.....I've about had enough too, yet still keep trying to push along. It ain't easy and it ain't fun.
but I know you and You are strong and will overcome whatever you need to. You know you will.
that also doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be pissed off from time to time.

Kelly said...

I know what you are.... you are saddle sore! My Dad calls me saddle sore when I forget to ride easy in the saddle. It's right up there with BSC.

Good luck getting back on the horse.

tiburon said...

You already know how I feel about all this. So I will not repeat myself. But I like to think I am up there with Splenda. Not AT his level. But close... you know I am always here for you.

tammy said...

I actually had been wondering if you'd been able to grieve, with all that had been thrown at you. I know you loved Jill and only tried to help her and she loved you and trusted you too. You have proof of that.

Hope the bad stuff ends soon. Love you.

tammy said...

But I am laughing that you forgot you were having a giveaway.

" Hit It......." said...

I wish "The Other Grandma" would stop trying to blame someone else for her daughter's desperate choice. My friend, you need to turn it off and just focus on your own family.

Love you. I hope you focus on Corbin's wedding and let this past stuff remain "in the past." :)

Diaper Diva said...

You go ahead and hide under those covers if you need to.You have had more than enough to deal with. Grieving is never easy, but it is healthy even if we don't like it. Sorry it is hard.

Amy said...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope life gets a little easier for you soon. I don't know the entire story but it sounds like some people need to work through what happened without assigning blame and try to move on in a positive way.

My ex sister-in-law dealt with a lot of blame thrown upon her after her estranged husband committed suicide. Having known a couple of people who chose to take their own lives, I firmly believe that it is never just ONE thing that leads them to make that final choice.

Scrappy Girl said...

I agree with Amy. It is never just one thing that leads to that terrible choice. I just want to hug you. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.


Mae Rae said...

just silent hugs and kisses!

Pedaling said...

those dark places wear on person.
i am so sorry it's all building up and taking its toll.
sounds like you are deciding to maybe go ahead and grieve. i hope you can take the time.
so many emotions swirling all around you. it's no wonder you're feeling this way.
coming out of this i can see you stronger, with less regard to the misplaced judgements of others--you have to live with yourself and you know the truth...
a hard working gal who is just trying to make a difference and do what's right. it's not hard to see, melissa, so don't sweat the idiots.
pretty soon it won't be acting, but a reality.
hang in there.

Cheeseboy said...

Hey, I'm on your side! Always will be.

Cheeseboy said...

Oh, am I in the running for the giveaway?

Natalie said...

I am sorry you are going through this! It's so ok to take a little time to crash and grieve. You have an amazing family who will lift you up when you need it. We are so excited for Corbin and his new life. You are so capable of loving you new daughter in law and still loving Jill!!! Hugs from the other side of West Jordan!

CountessLaurie said...

Sounds like the blame throwers should get themselves to therapy. No one can cause another to take their life. End of story.

I am sorry that you have to continually go through this.

Hugs, my friend. And continued prayers!!

Suz said...

Take some time for YOU! You've held it together for a long time through this crisis. You won't be able to remain strong for your family if you let this eat at you from underneath. Consider walking away from everything non-essential for a while, and maybe get some happy pills. It won't take long and you'll come back stronger.

Anastasia said...

You are amazing and f* those people. You know how things went down and you know that the MOST important thing is Chloee's love and protection. Which she has with you and splenda. So seriously screw them. And you totally need to grieve, it just comes out whether you do or not. Take care of yourself.

Nancy said...

I'm so sorry! I have been there in my own way. After my Dad's sudden death (found out he had cancer and died 10 days later), I felt like I had to be strong for my Mom and my sister (who has Downs-sweetest sister in the world!) and the rest of my family. I had just moved back to Utah, was living with my parents until I could find a place to live and had started a new job 2 weeks before it happened. When he died my life was turned upside down. My life was not my own. I was spread thin and a basket case, hidden behind a smile. One day I woke up and realized I was numb. I hadn't allowed myself to grieve for my Dad. So, that night, I rented a movie that I had heard ended with someone dying. Which, of course I had avoided like the plague. I curled up alone on my bed, watched the movie and cried. Hard. The whole movie. Man! Did that feel great! It really helped me start the grieving process.

It's funny how, we as human beings, feel like we have to be the strong ones for those we love. I know I do! But I have learned that strength is more than just being brave and putting on a happy face. It's allowing ourselves to feel emotions, the good and the bad. Admitting we can't do all and be all for everyone. Admitting we need help and accepting it when people offer. Why are these things so dang hard?! Or is it just me?

I'm so glad you have people in your life you can lean on and are true blue friends, people you can count on. I hope you can eventually find peace through all the chaos. Much love!