Sunday, September 30, 2012

Adventures in dog sitting

The Shark took her fam and went to the happiest place on earth.   She boldly left Jake her four legged child with me.  She assumed he would be fed, loved, and played with.  Her assumption was correct, but I think all the dogs had other thoughts as the week went on.

Day 1
Jake:  My mom is leaving.  What the aitch is going on?   Why is my crate here? Why is Amelia hugging and kissing me?  Why is Mom hugging me and saying good bye?  What the H?  And why are those other dogs barking at me?  Can't they see I'm having a "moment"?  They won't shut up.  The skinnier ones wants me to play - what is that?  I don't play with other dogs.   He keeps jumping at me wanting me to play and my Mom is still saying good bye.......wait....wait....the front door is opening and they are walking out......wait.....wait!!  WHAT THE CRAP!? They're gone?  Okay, looking around.  I've been here before - it wasn't terrible, but the fat dog keeps barking and the human - where is the human?  Oh whew, there she is.  I'll stick by her for awhile til I get this sorted out in my pea size brain.  Walking around in a daze, not sure what is going on.  I'll just stick by the human who is talking about my eyes and calling them freaky.  What the crap?  SHE'S freaky.  Fat dog still barking.  Skinnier dog still trying to play.  I gotta start sniffing stuff.  I'll feel better if I can just sniff.  Sniff.  Sniff.  Sniff.  Sniff.  *sigh*....Mom is really gone.  There are no little kids shrieking and in my face but these damn dogs are gonna make me lose it!  Oh look, there's a back door - maybe this is all a cruel joke and my Mom is out there.  Why do the other dogs have to come outside with me?  They won'  Mom?   Mom?  SNAP!  She's not here.  That's it.  I've been left.  Let me back inside.  I'm so sad that I am going to go sit at the front door and cry.  Crying.  Crying.   Walking around with a fog over my brain, I can't believe she left me here.  Crying.  Crying.  Human is laughing at me and my ascot around my neck.  Oh, oh how long am I going to have to be here and so humiliated?  My eyes, my ascot, the attempts at play, the sniffing.  I wanna go hoooooommmmeeeee.   WHOA!  WHAT IS THIS?  ANOTHER DOG?  What is this skinny little black thing?  OMG!  He bounces around like he lapped Redbull from the water dish and he wants me to play too.  NO!  Leave me alone!  I DON'T PLAY WITH OTHER DOGS!  *sigh*.......... at least black skinny dog and other gray skinny dog are playing with each other and leaving me alone.  Fat dog has stopped barking and won't leave the human's side.  Oh now look, ANOTHER human - two of them!  I don't like them.  Wait.  Maybe I do.  It just took a second to realize that they aren't going to take me away.  I think they belong to the skinny black dog cause they are super nice to him.  Wha?  Now they are trying to get me to play?  I'll play with a human, but don't let the other dogs in.....crap - now the other dogs want in on the play.  I'm done.  Aaaaannnndddddd.......add in another human.  This one is BIG.  I know him though.  He smells familiar.  He's nice.  Okay.  It's familiar.  Why does the fat one bark whenever a human comes in the door?  And the two skinny dogs?  Do they ever stop playing?  Boooorrrrring.  I'm just gonna stick  the humans.  I know that.  It's dark.  It's bedtime, I can feel it.  Wait....what?  The other dogs are climbing up on that nice soft bed and nestling in and I'm being told to go to my crate?  No.  I'm not going.  Nope.  That big bed looks softer and it has the humans that I know.  No,  I don't want to go to my crate.........FINE!  Ahhhh, I'm in my crate.  Oh, this is good.  I feel home.  I smell home.  I feel safe.  I want my mommy.  Maybe when I wake up - this will all be a bad dream.

Jack - HAH!  Look another dog to play with - YEAH!  C'mon buddy let's play!  I got a toy!  See I tug it and you get the other end and tug.   C'mon - it's fun!  Hey - come play with me!  C'MON!  What is wrong with you?  Why don't you play?  C'mon, I'll show you again how it's done.  Stop ignoring me and come play.  Really?!  I'm gonna just keep at you until you break down and play.  We are dogs you idiot, and we PLAY WITH EACH OTHER. WITH TOYS!  C'mon buddy, you can do it!  Let's play!  It's fun, I promise!  We take turns winning!  PLAY YOU MORON!  Oh, I see how it is, you're gonna sit at the door and cry for your momma?  Oh please - you are a crybaby!  If you would just play with me, I promise you'll feel happy!  C'mon, come play......come play......come play........!   Never mind.  Jace is here. Jace plays with me.  Jace - ignore this one - he doesn't like to play.  Peace out homie - we're going outside and getting our play on!

Jace - What is this?  Another dog?  Hey, he smells familiar - I think I've met him before.  OH YEAH!  He's the one that doesn't play.  Whatev's - let's go Jack, you're it!

Jordan - Dammit.  Another dog.  I remember him.  I'll bark until he remembers that I'm boss and then I'll go right back to ignoring him.  Whatev's, back on my mom's lap.  Things are just fine.

Humans - Oh that cute little Jakey.  Except for those freaky bug eyes and why is he wearing a pink ascot?  What does that mean?  At least no one is fighting and as long as he doesn't pee in our house - it's all good.

Day 2

Jake - I just woke up and I'm still here.  It wasn't just a bed dream, I really am still stuck here.  The big human gave me my food, but that skinny dog that does all the playing wants to share - Oh I'll show him how I share - NOT!  Yeah, you get that message you annoying pesky ball of play?  It's MY food and I don't share!  Where's the other human?  I'll just stick with her today and see how it plays out.  Hey - she lets me on her bed - Awesome!  Maybe I can pretend to be a part of the pack for however long until my Mom comes home.  Mmmmm....this bed is soft.  I can't imagine ever leaving it. Wait.  Wait, what....where are you going nice human lady?  My crate? NO!   I don't want to go in my  I'm in the damn crate.  I heard the garage close and nice human lady is gone.  Those two other dogs are sitting right in front of me gloating.  Just 'cause I have to go in the crate doesn't mean I'm a bad doggie.  And lay off about the pink ascot!  I'm turning around and not gonna look at them anymore. *pout*

Jack - Boring dude is still here and is a real butthead about his food.  I was just gonna sniff it is all, no need to get all in my face and pissed.  Whatever, I'm not sure he's actually a dog since he doesn't like to play.  At least he's stopped that stupid crying.  Oh what is this?  He thinks he can bogart my Mom?  Listen pal, you don't share your food, I don't share my mom.  Watch this.  I can crawl right in her lap and look at you gloating that you can't be here.  HAH take that you humorless dog......I'm even gonna sleep right here on her lap with the black thing that's always there that she types on.  Hey, what?  What's going on?  Mom, you're getting dressed?  Going out?  Can I come?  Why is new dog going in the cage?  IT'S 'CAUSE HE'S NAUGHTY HUH?!  HA HA - look at you naughty dog in your pink ascot!  You got put in the cage.  I'm gonna just show you how I get to walk around the house and you don't.  Neener, neener......LOOK AT ME!  Whatev's going back to the big soft bed.

Jordan - Oh look, that other dog is still here.  Whatever, where's my mom?  I'm going back to laying right next to her.  Mom?  Going out?  Okay, I'll be right here, want me to warm your pillow?  Ahhhhh, oh how we love the big bed.

Humans - Jake snores.  And farts something awfully fierce.  Come get in the crate buddy while we go out.  Don't trust ya not to want to mark somewhere.  Good boy!

Day 3 -
Jake:  I'm still here.  And I'm okay with it.  Not a fan of sleeping in my cage while everybody else gets the big soft bed, but whatev's, the human lady is nice to me and pets me a lot and talks very soothingly.  Fat dog has stopped barking at me is ignoring me.  Skinnier dog that wants to play all the time has figured out that I'm not gonna play.  I think he's also stopped laughing at my pink ascot.  He does make sure nice lady remembers that I'm in the cage and brings her to me to let me out in the mornings.

Jack - Dude is still here.  I kinda feel bad he has to sleep in the cage.  And I'm still not understanding the pink ascot but I just snicker behind his back.  He won't play.  Lame.

Jordan - Oh yeah, the other dog is still here.

Humans: Those bug eyes are just kinda freaky.  But he's an obedient dog.

Day 4 -
Jake:  Still here.  Still made me sleep in the cage, even though I was all snuggled in the big bed with everyone else.  I think I'm liking it here.  The nice human lady leaves the back door open a little bit in the mornings so I can go in and out as much as I want.  To be honest - I really rather like laying on the big bed with everyone else.  It's soooooo comfortable.  Fat dog leaves me alone.  Skinnier dog is getting the idea that I'm not into playing so much so he's leaving me alone too.  Both humans pet me alot and scratch my ears and let me snuggle.  I could get used to this!

Jack:  If it's the last thing I do, I WILL TEACH THIS STUPID DOG HOW TO PLAY!  Lesson one - stop trying to dominate me.  Try it again pal, and I will let loose on you.  Got it?  Other than that, I guess the dude is okay.  He's quiet and stays out of my way.

Jordan:  Oh yeah, the other dog is still here.

Humans:  Should we make him go in the crate?  Probably.  Wouldn't want to create a problem for when Tib gets back.  Besides, we've already plotted to ruin the girls in November so we'll leave the rules in place for Jake.

Day 5 -
Jake:  I'm still here and I'M LOVING IT!  Oh what a glorious day!  The skinny playful dog made sure the nice lady got me right out of the cage early and we spent the morning out in the backyard in the sun.  I watched her clean house and she never even hollered at me to get out of the way.  I decided to try that playing stuff and it wasn't too bad,  I know I'm not doing it quite right because every time I try to jump on the other dog's back he yells at me.  But we play chase and it's fun!  I don't think I've ever run so much in my life!  I really, REALLY like the skinny playful dog!  I like him so much and I was trying to show him, but he kept running away from me.  I hope he knows how great he is!  It's so fun here!  I love it!

Jack: Other dog is still here.  I feel so bad he has to sleep in the cage that I wake my mom up early to go get him out.  I finally taught the moron how to play.  He still doesn't get it that he can't "dominate" me and I have to keep reminding him I don't play those games, but he's a good competitor at chase.  At least he tries.  Props to him.  Weird thing, all night he kept trying to lick my eyeballs and lick inside my ears. WTH is THAT all about?  Does it have anything to do with the fact that he wears that PINK ascot?  Whatever, he's cool enough I guess.

Jordan:  Oh yeah, the other dog is still here.  I forget he's around now.  Guess he must not be a problem.

Humans:  He's just kinda growin on us isn't he?  But those freakyA eyes.......

Day 6 -
Jake:  I'm still here and!!!!   Nice human lady ( I shall now start calling her Mom) got up early and let me out of the cage.  Me and my friends went out to take care of business and then we ALL got to snuggle in the great big bed.  I even pawed at Mom for a second and she lifted the covers and let me crawl in RIGHT NEXT TO HER.  Neither skinny dog or fat dog said or did a thing, just arranged themselves on top of her other places and we all went back to sleep.  Oh, oh, oh how I love this!  When Mom and other big human got dressed up and left, me and my friends hung out in the back chasing each other, and rolling in the warm grass.  Chasing is great fun and I think I really like that kind of play!  I can almost catch skinny dog now!  Fat dog doesn't bark at me, she sniffs sometimes but I'm totally cool with it!  I really, really love it here.  My doggie fingers are crossed that maybe tonight I will have earned the big bed all night and can skip the cage.

Jack:  Dude still here.  Glad he finally learned how to play.  At least chase.  Poor sucker doesn't realize that he will NEVER catch me.  But I don't like that cage in the house.  It's gotta go.  It's just bad mojo and pink ascot or not, dude shouldn't have to sleep there when we got's the big, soft bed.

Jordan:  Other dog is still here.  Meh.

Humans:  That damn dog has really grown on us.  When does Tib come home again?

8:00pm Sunday night - the doorbell rings and the dogs go nuts barking.  I open the door and what do we see?

All love Jake developed for me went flying out in the wind........Never before has he been so happy to see his real Momma

That dog was so excited I couldn't get a decent shot of his pure happiness!!

Jake:  My mommy's home, my mommy's home, my mommy's home, my mommy's home!  Take me back to the noisy house right now!  I wanna go back to the noisy house!  Where's the car, lemme in the car, open the car, let me in!
That ungrateful little thing wouldn't even make eye contact with me to say goodbye!  I had to beg for a kiss and even then, it was one lousy lick.  

And then, they were gone.  Poof.  Our house suddenly returned to normal and the planet re-aligned in the universe.
Jack:  FINALLY!  Gah!  That stupid dog in his stupid ascot is GONE!  I really think he had a crush on my and I couldn't get him to understand I wasn't into that.  Always trying to bogart into my space with MY mom and the whole time, I just stayed a good doggie and welcomed him in the pack.  Glad to have my house back.

Jordan: Did that other dog go?  Huh..... back to the big, soft bed.

Next up - I will be watching her girls while she, Adam and the man-boy go ride Tour de Cure in Tuscon.  I'm already plotting how I can completely ruin them in the few short days I have them.
'Cause that's what friends are for you know.


Jillybean said...

Ha Ha!!!
This is too funny!
It kind of makes me want to get a dog so I can have you dog sit for me. Come to think of it, my brother and his wife are going out of town next week and need someone to watch their dog........she doesn't bark and is used to sleeping in her kennel every night. She has, however, been known to jump a 6 foot fence, go in the neighbors dog door and jump in bed with them. (they got even by feeding her a burrito)

namaste said...

LOL! oh boy, you are good and patient (and jake too!). i would love to have you sit my dogs. they'd love you for sure!

Garden of Egan said...

That is so hilarious! What a menagerie of canines.
You are a good soul to watch a dog in the face of the already established dogs. Mercy! That is a lot of dog breath.

Pedaling said...

maybe you should publish this into a children's book. they would love it, with the right illustrations.

sounds like tib's buggy eyed dog was the warm up act for the real thing.

Amy said...

Awww! I agree with Pedaling.

Reminds me that I need to call my parent to dog sit for me this weekend.

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