Monday, February 28, 2011

Hard conversation with Sissy

Coming home from school today.  She was her usual happy self, gabbing away about what she was seeing out the window and making general chit chat.

We saw a dog on the sidewalk, leashed and walking with it's owner.

Sissy:   "Dat dog's in da street Mimi"

Me:  "Yes, it is, but it's on a leash with it's owner so I think it's safe"

Sissy:  "If he wasn't wif his person he would get runned over and hurt"

Me"  "Yeah you are probably right, that wouldn't be good would it?"

Silence for a few moments

Sissy: "Kasey died"

Me:  "Yes, he did"

Sissy:  " And Mommy died"

Me:  "Yes honey she did"

Silence for a few more minutes

Sissy: " I wish I would died"

Me: (gulp - fighting tears - make voice sound normal):  "Oh honey, that would make all of us so sad.  We would miss you.  If you died, you wouldn't be on the earth anymore with your family and friends and school"

Sissy:  "but, I just want to die too"

Me: (speechless - praying how to answer her) "how come?"

Sissy:  "I just want to be died too"

By this time, we had pulled in the driveway and a change of subject was in order since she wasn't offering any more details or thoughts.  She cheerfully went off to get the mail and then be first leader walking into the house. Conversation over for her. 

Not for me.  My heart hurts.  What does one say to that?  How does one help a 4 year old understand?

I am grateful for an intake evaluation we have for her at a grief center that specializes in small children and loss of parents.  We have a book they recommended we read to her and help her understand that of all the many ways someone can die, that her mommy made the choice for her body to stop working.  I can't bring myself to do the hard talk.  We asked about therapy but we have been told twice now by professionals to wait.  She has had too much too soon and to give it a little more time.

While we wait, I will forever be wondering what is going on in that sweet, smart, observant little mind of hers.  We are pouring on the love and support, but will it be enough?

Breaking my heart it is.


Heather said...

Man oh man, I can't even imagine. The past year there have been instances where I wished I could die (eesh! Personal alert!), and it was painfully awful. I can't even imagine a sweet little 4 year old feeling that way. It is not fair for her to feel that way! She has been through too much already. Gratefully she has you and your sweet family, and it seems that the added stability in her life will help immensely. Praying for you all.

Pedaling said...

hard on the heart. I am sure you are being guided and even without knowing it, doing and saying the right things.

Missy said...

WoW! I don't even know what to say! Just keep praying...

tammy said...

Breaking my heart as well! I know you'll be guided on how best to answer her questions and help her in any way, just so hard to hear her say that! Keeping you all in my prayers.

about me said...

Been there
felt that
sometimes I still do

Vanessa said...

Bless her little heart :(

Cherie said...

That is so tender and heartwrenching.
My first thought is that she really does not understand "died" but probably is just expressing that she misses her mom and wants to be with her.
I think you handled it very well.
Short answers - no pressing.

Ordinary Miracles said...

That is so heart wrenching. I am so glad she has you!

Anastasia said...

Every time I visit your blog I thank god that miss sissy has SO many people who love her. Even her other grandparents as misguided and stressful as they are making it, still love her. I guess you just have to wait and see when she is ready to talk about it. I know that's hard. hugs!

Mamafamilias said...

Having my own little love potion, this hurts my heart for you really, really bad.

So thankful that little girl has you. All of you are in my prayers.

Suzie said...

Pit in my stomach over that.

Bless her sweet little heart!
I havew a prayer in my heart for you to do & say those things she needs.
You're enough for her right now. She'll be just fine.

Heather said...

I bet it really is hard for you guys. I am so glad she has you. You are doing great. You, her and your family will be in my prayers.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I will pray for you and for Sissy.

Mrs. Organic said...

My heart is breaking for you. I just don't know what to say, no words seem right enough. I'm glad she has you to be there for her.