*Feel Free to click mark as read....just voicing some thoughts and feelings*
Dude!
It's almost December. As in, TOMORROW!
What the crap happened to 2011? It seems one big, blurry bad dream.
Thanksgiving was nice. Not what I expected, though I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but it was nice. Loved family coming in from Vegas and spending time catching up. Love the positive vibes my SIL brings with her.
And now, everyone expects Christmas.
Can't do it.
Just can't do it.
I did hang the wreath on the front door so it wouldn't look naked there, but I really have no desire nor ambition to put up the tree, decorate the house or buy a single gift. I really want to just take my tree and ship it to my kids in Cali. Splenda wants it to stay here and get put up and decorated. The idea of it makes me want to crawl in bed.
Scrooge much?
I have been excited for Festival of Trees. Spent a little time there on Monday finishing a few last things for my bestie and watching the decorators set up their things. Made me realize that if I had planned a little better I could have done a tree this year.
Instead, I have determined that I will do one next year. Dedicated to Jill and Suicide Awareness and Prevention. I am still pondering a theme for it. Something she loved, her hobby, her passion. All I can come up with is that she loved her daughter. More than anything she loved Chloee. I think I will go with a Mommy Angel theme. Thoughts?
For those of you new to my blog click here to get the back story There are subsequent posts and videos that further tell the story. But you get the gist.
I think that is why I am struggling to really get into Christmas this year. Memories are painful. I can only imagine her own parents. If my heart hurts, then they must be in agony. And whether we are friends or not, I feel sad for them.
I think doing the tree will be a good thing. Starting with the day after Christmas this year and all the sales, I will be looking for ornaments and decorations to fit our Mommy Angel tree. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and approaching a business to see if they would be willing to donate something like a TV or other hot ticket item that will attract a bidder. I will try and get Chloee out here next year so she can help with the tree. I'll be tracking down pictures and special things to go with the tree. I am concocting a plan and that feels good.
The healing properties of doing something for someone else can never be underestimated. And if I haven't mentioned it before, every single thing for Festival is donated and all the money, ALL OF IT, goes straight to the Primary Childrens Medical Center. No admin fees or skims off the top. Every last cent. So many good things to be involved with.
And yet, I am still so sad.
I have an exit interview with my previous employer on Monday. That closes another chapter in my life. A chapter that once was so happy and fulfilling and cruelly twisted to a sour ending. Even though I know I made the right decision and am happy about starting a new chapter in that area of my life, it's still a little sad.
Change is hard.
My house is empty. My sons have their wives and lives.
Change is hard.
Still not able to run. So frustrating. I think if I could just get a good 10 miler in, I would feel so much better. For now, I am stuck on the bike, in the pool and satisfying my running needs by smelling the new shoes, checking out the gear and mingling with other runners at Wasatch Running Company. That's cool.
Got a flight booked for SoCal in a couple of weeks. Makes me uber happy! Now just gotta figure out how to get all the kids' Christmas down there. This is pretty cool too. Happiness is seeing Chloee all settled in with her Daddy and her Mommy. Their little family is so amazing. Watching Corb being such an awesome father and Karalee love Chloee as if she were her own and Chloee loving the fact that she has a family. A mommy and a daddy. A family. The sweet lil punkin is THRIVING! That makes me happy! For those of you who have married children who are parents, nothing brings you more joy than seeing them become great parents themselves. Some call it a parent pay-off. I don't know what I call it, all I know is that it brings a smile to my face and a lift to my soul.
And yet, I still feel sad.
Memories can be hard.
Change can be hard.
Wow - this really did turn out to be a debbie downer eh? Sorry, if you made it this far. Just processing some thoughts and feelings.
Really, life is good. Life is damn good.
xoxox
Peace Out
**PS - if you are lurking, which I know you are, and you feel inclined to leave more anonymous mean comments, please refrain. It didn't get you anywhere last time and won't this time either.**
19 comments:
Aw, M-Cat, I'm so sorry! The holidays can be SUCH a hard time of year, especially after all you have been through this year. Give yourself some time to grieve it all! If the tree doesn't go up this year, then oh well. Just skip it. However, do NOT skip peppermint ice cream. Curl up in bed with some ice cream and watch something mindless on tv :) it's okay to be sad!
I think the Mommy Angel theme is perfect. I have a Mommy Angel Hallmark Ornament that's a blonde angel holding a brunette girl. I love it because it matches Lil Miss and I perfectly. If you could find an ornament like that then add lots of angels and hearts....
I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about what the tree could look like.
When you say "getting Christmas to Cali," do you mean the decor or the gifts? I got nothing if it's decor, but if you're thinking gifts: can you order online and ship it to them with express instruction not to open anything?
I could use a good 10 miler too...I just can't seem to find the motivation even though I know it would make me so much happier!
Sorry about the blues :(
big frown and an air hug over miles and miles to you.
must be the week for not wanting to hear from people but i hear you sistah!
What I love about you is your ability to express your feeelings...happy or sad.
Then you are off and doing something about it.
love your angel tree idea. Iv'e done 3 trees at the festival of trees. All were dedicated to loved ones that had died.
Finding the joy in that gap between what our life is and what we want it to be is the challenge.
I'd say you are doing a great job with that!
okay, so many thoughts, but the one that is pounding most hard against my skull to get out is this:
...and I wanna be YOU when i grow up!!!! :)
as for the tree for next year, i LOVE this.... perhaps the donated tv could used alongside your tree or as part of your display but be incorporated by running a video/slideshow... perhaps borrowing from jill's video. if discretion is necessary in your community (and so you don't get accused of anything further) perhaps, without attaching jill's name... and perhaps including some footage with some real stats regarding suicide.... and postpardum depression? (i'm sure that's a bit of a stretch, but was that something that jill suffered from specifically? i'm figuring it was... and combined with the other stressed & substances, plus not getting treatment for any of those elements of that combo helped heap on more of what eventually got the best of her. but that's just what i've gathered through it all.)
perhaps more info could be available about the sharing place too. just my little mental contribution, is all. :)
love you! ::hugs::
M-I am sorry you are still having mean lurkers! Just sick to death of mean and ugly people. You just don't need them!
I think the tree is a wonderfully sweet idea! You will do a beautiful job with that.
I do not do well with change either :(
Just keep looking forward to your time in Cali with your chillins!
You are still getting comments from anonymous? They really are pathetic, aren't they? What sad little lives they lead.
I am dreading the day my boys get married and move out. Kinda makes me want to have another baby right now so I'll have kids at home for a long time.
Change and me don't get along so well.
I'm glad you're going to CA soon!
I'm sorry that you're not in a good place right now. I can't imagine the painful memories that this holiday brings back for you. It's OK to not want to decorate or get into the holiday spirit. If that is what is healing for you then I say run....er I mean bike...with it! I'm sending happy thoughts your way and hoping your heart feels happier and your burdens feel lighter soon!
I am so worried about you. You have had one hell of a year. On an HR standpoint, you don't have to do the exit interview...what are they going to do..fire you? :)
If I were you, I would make it a point to do a low key XMAS. That way you won't get too overwhelmed. I think the best medicine for you would be to go have a blast with Chloe' and her parents. That is what XMAS is about anyway..family...not presents.
If you want to talk, call me.
xoxo
your kids are old enough, they'll understand,and not expect so much of the material Christmas.
Yay for those family members who bring those positive vibes with them wherever they show up! Like your SIL.
Glad you're getting away to California--that will do your heart some good.
Love the tree angel idea and its statement. great thought.
I love the idea of the tree. LOVE IT.
I am a Debbie Downer this year too. I am trying so very hard to get in some kind of spirit. Christmas time marks the anniversary of my Aunts passing and the demise of my marriage. I'm frustrated and angry and just don't want to do it. I know your feeling.
I know this Christmas is going to be hard. But I think you need to try to go on as normal maybe not as much or keep it low key but still make the effort with Christmas. I am so glad you are going to see the kids. Perhaps seeing Chloee face to face will help bring your spirits back up.
I think the tree idea for next year's festival is a wonderful idea. I would be happy to help.
I can't imagine trying to think about Christmas this year for you. Your whole world was really turned upside down. I have been thinking so much of you.
Your angel idea sounds good. It feels that Chloee is doing well.
An empty house has got to be so hard. I still have the 20 year old here.
I'm glad you are smelling your running shoes. Give yourself time to heal.....keep smelling them.
Good for the end of the job. Really. It has to be hard, but if it was sucking the life out of you it isn't worth it.
I love you my friend.
ha ha...I liked your "disclaimer thing" at the end.
I feel ya girl. It's ok to feel sad. The christmas season is such an "overload" sometimes of touchy feely goody....that I just can't handle it either sometimes.
Not right now.
Not this year..........Hard, to watch Matt's kids have Christmas without him. Will be having THEIR WHOLE LIVES...without him.
sucks
but we have to move on eh.
As a mom, it is still incredibly painful, hard to feel cheery and smile, but I will gather all my kids and grandkids around me and it will be a healing balm for sure.
I haven't put out a single decoration. Not baked a single thing.
Not listened to a single Christmas song...yet.
I am not TRYING to be humbug, but I guess I better dig deeper and shovel harder to get rid of the blues.
I think your Festival of the Trees idea for next year would be awesome. do it. Suicide awareness is a big issue and education needed there.
I'd like to see one on Sobriety.....I don't know what that would be like, but it is important to. Many make it and that is WONDERFUL, yet.....like Matt.....some don't. And it is HEARTBREAKING.
Still looking for answers as to why...How come God???.....
oh blahhhh...........sorry sweety
I just want you to know there are tons of people out there who love ya. You have a GREAT stash of friends there and so lean on them and your family, they'll get you through it all.
And ya know what, we'll both look at that Christmas star and KNOW, that no matter what, LIFE IS GOOD, and there is a purpose to all things.
big hug
What a fabulous idea!! A great tribute. So you don't put up a tree....I can not imagine the emotions that will come and go with the season this year. I say do it however YOU need to!
I love the idea of a mommy angel tree. I think it's perfect. And you're right...doing something like this is the perfect way to put your sorrow to good use (which sounds weird, but I know you know what I mean).
I would definitely have a very difficult time through the holidays were I in your situation. I am very happy that you get to go to California, though! Keep your chin up and look forward!
I'm a lurker - but not a mean one! I love reading your blog. Hope your holiday season gets better and I loved your post on the Young Women's program! Thanks - Lainie
I love how you think of putting your memories into a tree and doing some good with it. How awesome is that!
The running will come soon, let your body and soul heal.
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