Hard conversation with Sissy

Coming home from school today.  She was her usual happy self, gabbing away about what she was seeing out the window and making general chit chat.

We saw a dog on the sidewalk, leashed and walking with it's owner.

Sissy:   "Dat dog's in da street Mimi"

Me:  "Yes, it is, but it's on a leash with it's owner so I think it's safe"

Sissy:  "If he wasn't wif his person he would get runned over and hurt"

Me"  "Yeah you are probably right, that wouldn't be good would it?"

Silence for a few moments

Sissy: "Kasey died"

Me:  "Yes, he did"

Sissy:  " And Mommy died"

Me:  "Yes honey she did"

Silence for a few more minutes

Sissy: " I wish I would died"

Me: (gulp - fighting tears - make voice sound normal):  "Oh honey, that would make all of us so sad.  We would miss you.  If you died, you wouldn't be on the earth anymore with your family and friends and school"

Sissy:  "but, I just want to die too"

Me: (speechless - praying how to answer her) "how come?"

Sissy:  "I just want to be died too"

By this time, we had pulled in the driveway and a change of subject was in order since she wasn't offering any more details or thoughts.  She cheerfully went off to get the mail and then be first leader walking into the house. Conversation over for her. 

Not for me.  My heart hurts.  What does one say to that?  How does one help a 4 year old understand?

I am grateful for an intake evaluation we have for her at a grief center that specializes in small children and loss of parents.  We have a book they recommended we read to her and help her understand that of all the many ways someone can die, that her mommy made the choice for her body to stop working.  I can't bring myself to do the hard talk.  We asked about therapy but we have been told twice now by professionals to wait.  She has had too much too soon and to give it a little more time.

While we wait, I will forever be wondering what is going on in that sweet, smart, observant little mind of hers.  We are pouring on the love and support, but will it be enough?

Breaking my heart it is.

TIckle Me Pick Tuesday

I am tickled by the fact that so often Sis is a free spirit when it comes to clothing.,  She would love to wear jammies all day long (who wouldn't) but I love that she has her own sense of what she likes to wear and it mostly involves comfort!

(gotta love her 'gossie' boots with her church dress.  We let her pick and unless it's completely unreasonable - it's a go!)

I am absolutley tickled by the relationship Sissy has developed with Jack.  Sure sometimes she gets on his last nerve but he tolerates a lot of "love" from her.  And sure, she gets bugged when he wants to share her cereal bowl, but the bottom line is these two love each other!

(such love)

I am tickled when I can make people laugh.  Without even trying.  I am happy that my bed head could provide amusement for my kickboxing class.  Your welcome guys.

(in my defense it was cute Sunday all curly.......it just didn't wake up so cute)

So what's tickling you pink today?

Happy Saturday with Ice Cream - This is for you Adi!

The Sunday after Christmas my entire family gathered at Mom and John's house for dinner.  They had just reported on their mission at the Family Search Library and so it was the perfect chance to get everyone together.

Mom and John have a kids Disneyland in their basement so once we get there, it's rare to see a small person again.  That Sunday was no exception.  I didn't know it at the time, but Sissy was bonding with her cousin Adison.  Bonded to the point that Sissy called her "her best friend" and was so sad to have to say good-bye.

Adi would be the one in yellow at the top right

A week or so later, Sissy got a package in the mail with cute little bear, a gift certificate to Wendy's and a note from Adison telling her that she wanted to take her for ice cream but since she lived so far away, maybe Mimi could take her and take pictures.

It took us this long to finally get a chance to do this, so for you my dear Adi - here is our date at Wendy's! 

the whole point was for the ice cream, but we did get some lunch with it too.

goofing around

digging in!

the customary self portrait

time to get serious

A great Saturday treat while running a million errands

Thank you SO MUCH Adi - you can bet that next time we are in Logan the THREE of us will have ice cream!!

xoxoxox

Aunti M and Sis

Tender Mercy

(image via here)

It's no secret that I am an active member of this church.  It is the predominant religion in Utah so someone reading this from my neck of the woods will understand our church's belief in the after life.  For those who are not familiar - you can go to the main website for more specifics, however, let me explain in a nutshell.

One one passes away, their Spirit then goes to the Spirit World to await their resurrection and final judgement.  A lot happens in the Spirit World.  Reunions with loved ones and friends who have passed before, learning and gaining as much knowledge as one can.  Where is the Spirit World?  Right here.  We cannot see the other Spirits because of a veil that hangs between us, but they can be felt.  They can see what is happening in our lives.  I also believe that they can comfort us.  I love this particular doctrine.  As I have grown and hit milestones in my life, it has been nice to know that perhaps my Dad was with me.  Was watching over me. Cheering for me in my successes and crying with my in my heartaches.  To think that someone who has passed away can be so very close to us is a huge comfort indeed.

I've debated blogging this, but after much thought I want it recorded for Sissy.  She might not remember as she gets older and I don't want her to ever forget.  And for anyone else who has lost a loved one, perhaps it can give some peace and comfort to them.

Sissy hasn't asked a whole lot about her Mommy.  Once in a while, she will ask, "Why did Mommy die?" but I can count on one hand the times that she has.  She is busy with school, family and learning all the new things that a 4 year old learns.

About a week after J passed, Sissy was sleeping and all of a sudden sat straight up and called out "Mommy".  I placed my hand on her back, and called her name softly.  She turned and looked at me saying, "Mimi?"  She laid down, and snuggled into my neck and fell right back to sleep.  The next morning, she told me that she had dreamed about her Mommy and that her Mommy told her that she "woved her".  It was a quick conversation and she didn't elaborate more.

The next time was more impressive.

There was a small program that was made for her graveside services and it has J's picture on it.  It has been hanging on my fridge amongst the many other pictures and treasures that you tend to collect on the front of that particular appliance.

Several mornings ago, Sissy was opening the fridge to get milk for her cereal when her attention was drawn to the picture of her Mommy.  Our conversation went like this:

Sissy: "Mimi, I dweamed about Mommy wast night.  She tawked to me."
Me:  '"She did?  How great - what did she say?"
Sissy: " I was asweep and den she was tawking to me.  She said she woved me and in my heart"
Me:  "Sis - that is so nice!  Did you feel happy?  Was Mommy happy?"
Sissy: " Yeah, she's happy and she woves me in my heart."

And then her Lucky Charms were on the forefront of her mind and our talk moved onto pouring the milk and getting a spoon.

I have thought about this for the past several days.  What a tender mercy from a loving God in Heaven.  He knows if one of his children needs a special blessing and He finds a way to provide it.  Maybe Sis needed just a couple of quick "touch bases" with Mom.  I don't know- she isn't particularly verbal about it right now.  But I am thankful for a Heavenly Father that allows a mother from one side to visit her child on the other, Spirit to Spirit, and remind her how much she is loved.  Not once, but twice.  I can't know what it is in Sissy's heart and head right now, but her Father in Heaven does.  And He will make sure she is taken care of.  That her needs are met.

It was also a reminder to me about how important Sissy is to so many people.  Her Mother is trusting that we will do the right things for her.  Her Father is trusting us to take care of her until he finishes his duty to our country.  Her other grandparents are trusting that she will always know of their love for her.  Her Heavenly Father is trusting us with this precious, precious soul who will have many struggles ahead of her.  He trusts that we will look to Him for guidance, and in return, I feel like He will let her Mommy stay close by.

Tender Mercy indeed.

How do you get an almost 4 year old who isn't used to sleeping alone, to sleep in her own bed at night?

All night long?

(thank you Lundells for the daybed, Shark for the bedding and painting and Ree for painting - my Diva's took it by storm!)

You get a freakin MARINE on the job!

Okay, so Sissy just hasn't been used to sleeping by herself.  When she stayed at my house before, she always slept with me and Splenda.  We tried to get her in the Yankee room and bed by herself, but she wouldn't have any of it!

I asked her Mom once what she did to be able to get her to sleep alone and she told me she was too soft hearted and that she didn't make her either.  We both agreed that Sweet lil punkin is just too fun to snuggle with.  I even asked Sis once where she slept so I could show her that if she slept alone at someone else's house, she could at mine.  I got a typical toddler answer that she slept with Mommy, or Ganpa, or us.  And then something shiny caught her attention and the convo ended.

Well, her wise Daddy put an end to all that.  I wish I had been smart enough to think of it myself!  Props to him.

Last week, he let HER put HIM to bed in her bed.  Tucked him in, turned off the light and shut the door.  When she got up in the morning, he was still sleeping there.

The next night, he took her into her room.  Laid her in bed - amid whimpering, crying, and protests- and reminded her how she had helped him in there the night before and that he slept there all night long, all by himself.
He then explained that while he was there the night before, he made sure that EVERY scary thing in that room was gone.  Any ghosts, monsters, sounds, (anything a pre-schooler might imagine).....her daddy took care of them.  The room was spotless of any scary.

He then drew her attention to the Marine flag hanging over her bed.  He reminded her that his job is being a Marine and that Marine's protect people.  They keep them safe.  He explained that the flag was there over her bed to protect her.  Nothing bad or scary could ever happen with that flag hanging over her bed.  It was her protection.

(thank you Countess and your congregation for the prayer bear)

He then upped the ante with a reward in the morning with a toy or a treat if she made it all night long in her own bed.
She asked him if he was going to stay there all night.  He told her no, but reminded her that the flag was there all night. 
She rolled over and went to sleep.  He shut the door and walked out. 

The End.


Really..... she has been there every night on her own since then.  She does the typical stall tactics wanting a drink, one more story, sit for awhile..... all perfectly normal stuff.
Each night she has woken up during the night once or twice or four times, but she is easily calmed and goes back to sleep.

Brilliant I tell ya - just freakin brilliant!

Our love for sharks

Christmas Traditions - Installation Four

A visit with Santa Claus!

I always took the boys when they were young enough to love it and look forward to it.

Two years ago, I took Sissy, but for some reason last year it just didn't happen.  I think she was so shy that it didn't seem worth it to have her just cry and be afraid.

This year, we talked about it and after a nice Saturday afternoon nap we headed to the mall.

The line was INSANE!  But, she seemed willing to wait, willing to sit on his lap and get a picture so I settled in for the long torture of standing with other parents and their tired, rambunctious children.

At least the ones directly in front of me and behind me were friendly and would even hold my place while I chased Sissy or just sat for a rest.

After a little over an hour and a half - it was FINALLY our turn.  She had been watchng the kids ahead of her so she knew what was expected.

I have to say, this Santa was the best I have ever encountered.  He was so sweet, soft and loving.  So kind and tender.  I absolutley loved him. 

While Sissy's face might express otherwise, she really was okay, just a little timid and shy.  She did talk to him and tell him what she wanted for Christmas (toys)

After the Santa vist - we had to go find the train. The whole time we had been stawending in line a small train had been going by giving rides to children. She was fascinated and so off went.

What a fun afternoon with my bestie and me!

And for reals, if you are looking for a good Santa - South Towne Mall in Sandy, UT

He was by far the best I have ever met!

Sissy's early Christmas present

No one can ever say that little Miss Sissy is lacking from love.

Check out what her Mommy surprised her with last week -

Brody von Drake

Named in part after our own beloved Freakshow Kasey Von Drake.

Brody looks JUST like him as a puppy.  So cute!

Sissy LOVES him!

Jordan isn't all that thrilled but she is friendly and welcoming.  Stinking thing is making us just that much more puppy hungry.  And believe you me, I have been looking.  Checking KSL ads every day.....trying to find just the right one........

For now, we'll enjoy Brody when he comes to visit

When a Hurricane and the Trailer Park collide

*because I have had a few requests for pictures*

Okay, we all know I don't REALLY live in a trailer park, just my decorating skills do.  I have the same decor year after year and the same items go in the same spots every time.  I have no imagination, nor creativity.
And really, I'm okay with it.  Usually getting all the Christmas decorations out is a chore that I do strictly out of tradition.  This year though, we had Sissy for a little while.  That certainly added a new twist.

And so I present - M'Cat's Christmas-y decorated home with the help of her Hurricane Sissy

Start with the wreath on the front door, but forget to take the picture the day you put it up and wait until it's snowing to leave the door wide open so you can get a shot.

Put something on the inside of the door, but nothing that is going to clang and make noise when the door opens and shuts - it just irritates everyone.

Put down the floor mat that Luka made in grade school.  And for sure don't fix the picture to be facing the right direction.  That would be too classy.

There is crap now strewn about the living room and Splenda has gone to Target for lights so move into the kitchen

Hang one of many Christmas-y themed dishtowels that will hang cleanly for about 30 mnutes  Afterwhich some dumbbutt will grab it to dry his hands and thus ruin the whole thing.

I do have a lovely banister, so let's wrap some garland and string some lights.  The best touch is leaving the cord dangling. 

Speaking of garland's, the mantle in the living room should have one as well, with lights and stockings hung with great care.

Don't spend the time to actually center the hanging socks.  By now, you're getting bored so just hurry up and get done.

And lookie - there is space at the bottom of the fireplace, because heaven knows we won't ACTUALLY be building a real fire there - it makes too much of a mess so, might as well throw some of the decor down there

The little wooden manger has some straw in it (from a gazillion years ago).  The Hurricane thought it would be great to dump it all out and place baby Jesus upside down.  No worries - sitch rectified and all is well in the manger.

Now, you've got two end tables - better do something with them

Exhibit A - my favorite is the new Marine Corp ornament.

Exhibit B - my favorite is the Candlebreeze that blows lovely Christmas smells through my home!

And of course the coffee table to display our incredible Nativity scenes

Now try not to be too jealous over my nativity scenes.

On your left is the cute little one I got with a purchase at Deseret Book either last year or the year before.

The one on the right came as a gift the first time TNT went to Cancun.  Straight from the flea market it is!

I love them both oddly, especially the one from the flea market.  Maybe because it's a reminder of a place that I love so much.  But my favorite thing is the ceramic in the middle.  Santa kneeling with his cap removed in front of the baby Jesus.  Love this one!

Now it's on to the center of the room and the main event.  The tree!  But before we reveal it, there are two side chairs that need a little somethng as well.

Throw a Santa pillow in the west chair

Some other sort of Christmas-y pillow in the east chair

and then turn your attention to the piece de resistance!

Once Splenda and I got the lights on, the Hurricane blew right in and began her work.  Of course, one must always decorate the tree in your undies.  Clothes add too much class

I love her intensity.  Hurricanes are NOT to be messed with - they have serious work to do

The final product?

(the skirt?  An old sheet - NO LIE!)

My favorite parts?

The special touches that only my Sis can leave behind

mulitple ornament stacked together.  She liked grouping things.

And really, where else can you find Mr Lizard placed in the tree with the other ornaments.

It was a long tough morning, putting this all together  Such decor.  Such fnesse.  Such detail!

Think I'll grab a mason jar and drink me some hot cocoa.