Hard conversation with Sissy

Coming home from school today.  She was her usual happy self, gabbing away about what she was seeing out the window and making general chit chat.

We saw a dog on the sidewalk, leashed and walking with it's owner.

Sissy:   "Dat dog's in da street Mimi"

Me:  "Yes, it is, but it's on a leash with it's owner so I think it's safe"

Sissy:  "If he wasn't wif his person he would get runned over and hurt"

Me"  "Yeah you are probably right, that wouldn't be good would it?"

Silence for a few moments

Sissy: "Kasey died"

Me:  "Yes, he did"

Sissy:  " And Mommy died"

Me:  "Yes honey she did"

Silence for a few more minutes

Sissy: " I wish I would died"

Me: (gulp - fighting tears - make voice sound normal):  "Oh honey, that would make all of us so sad.  We would miss you.  If you died, you wouldn't be on the earth anymore with your family and friends and school"

Sissy:  "but, I just want to die too"

Me: (speechless - praying how to answer her) "how come?"

Sissy:  "I just want to be died too"

By this time, we had pulled in the driveway and a change of subject was in order since she wasn't offering any more details or thoughts.  She cheerfully went off to get the mail and then be first leader walking into the house. Conversation over for her. 

Not for me.  My heart hurts.  What does one say to that?  How does one help a 4 year old understand?

I am grateful for an intake evaluation we have for her at a grief center that specializes in small children and loss of parents.  We have a book they recommended we read to her and help her understand that of all the many ways someone can die, that her mommy made the choice for her body to stop working.  I can't bring myself to do the hard talk.  We asked about therapy but we have been told twice now by professionals to wait.  She has had too much too soon and to give it a little more time.

While we wait, I will forever be wondering what is going on in that sweet, smart, observant little mind of hers.  We are pouring on the love and support, but will it be enough?

Breaking my heart it is.