Hope on a Sunday despite the stupid Covid

It's been a hard week.
Like really hard. 
Like the darkest abyss, lowest point hard. 

I went through the motions, but I felt nothing.  I couldn't be nice.  I hated everyone and everything.  Beyond the constant state of irritation, I felt nothing.  No happiness, no sadness. Nothing.   My poor husband could offer no help. No music, no podcast, no TV show, no movie, none of my usual sources of distraction were working.

I prayed.  I read my scriptures.  I did the things I've been taught to do that usually bring happiness and peace in my life. Nothing.

I finally broke down Friday and asked my husband for a priesthood blessing.  For those that might be reading and are new around these parts, I'm a Latter Day Saint.  We believe that Christ's church he established in the New Testament and was lost with the death of the disciples has been restored including His priesthood.  My husband, among millions on male members of my church hold that priesthood and he can give me blessings of health, healing and comfort.  All outcomes depending on my faith and the will of the Lord. 

His blessing Friday night was very nice, and I felt the Spirit of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ providing his words.  I cried.  I went to bed pleading in my heart that I would wake up feeling better.  Feeling different.  Feeling something.

And I did.  I woke up for the first time in a long time not wishing I was dead.  I woke up and was actually happy that I woke up instead of disappointed I hadn't peacefully passed in my sleep.  It wasn't all butterflies and unicorns but it has been a start.

I know I can't be alone in these feelings.  Covid-19 has wreaked such havoc on our lives that it is way too easy to become hopeless and despondent. I was there.  Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't truly suicidal, but I was certainly more than happy to be done.   I know others feel that way, but *gasp* we don't talk about it.  People then get worried, they get protective and unbearingly hoverish.  I just made up that word, but think hovering in a negative way.

Saturday, I got on my bike trainer, bot an hour in and then some light weights.  I made my bed, opened all the blinds, cleaned my kitchen and put on some new clothes I had purchased previously.
We got in the car, complete with my pup Maggie and headed out for a drive.  No real plan in place other than a custard from Nielsen's.  We just wanted to be out in the sunshine and the only way to safely do that is in our car.  We ended up driving to Park City, and tried to go over Guardman's Pass but it's still too early in the year, so instead we went through Heber, and Provo Canyon to basically travel a large circle back home.  It did wonders for me.  We listened to a book we both enjoyed, with Maggie in my lap I constantly was stroking her, petting her and kissing her.  All soothing things.  Topping things off were my ministering sisters dropping off flowers and a treat (to add to some my daughter-in-love dropped off earlier in the week), we got some take out and watched a movie.  It was a day that wasn't steeped in routine.

(Mt Timpanogos in the background)

Today, Sunday is another day of sunshine and warmth.  Some gospel studying, a zoom call hearing about my dear friend's mission to Panama, a walk with the dogs and an evening finishing up laundry, some work stuff and getting ready for the week.

Will this week be better than last?  I feel hopeful that it will.  Does anything change with Covid -19?  In my world no.  Still isolating as much as possible.  Still missing all the things that this miserable virus has taken away from me.  Maybe I'll slump back into the dark abyss.  I don't know.  I just know that I feel more hopeful. 

That will be enough for now.