A life gone, lessons learned and feeble attempts to move forward

It's rainy with a little light snow and a whole lot of wind today here in UT.  Overall, kind of gloomy actually and as I came back from dropping a friends daughter at preschool, my mood was on par with the weather.

I climbed back under the covers and let my thoughts go back to where they have been for a week now.......


Last Monday evening, I was at work and busy on the floor.  I could see that one of my sons had called my phone but it's difficult to answer when I'm working.  Over the course of the next half hour/hour or so I saw several other calls, and some texts had hit but I hadn't looked at any of them.

Splenda walked in and the minute I saw his face, I knew something was up.  He was emotional and the words didn't come out for him.  I pulled us in a dressing room, and pleaded for him to tell me what the crap was going on.  I wasn't prepared.

Our neighbor, ward sister, and my good friend Tracy, had been found dead in her car a few hours earlier.  Splenda knew that people would start calling me and he wanted to be the first to tell me.  I don't think I care for that particular dressing room any more since it now represents hurt and shock.

My immediate thoughts went to her husband.  We have been family friends for so long and have a long history together with our sons.  My heart hurt so badly for him.  And then, I thought of her son.  The boy that was counted as one of my own on many of occasion and loved as such.  From there, my thoughts went to her daughter.  She's one of my young women and we've had a bond that is hard to describe.  After that, various thoughts flooded my mind.  Her parents (who lost another daughter 3 years prior to a horrible tragedy), her in-laws who also are our neighbors and friends, all the rest of my young women who would undoubtedly be distraught and then to my own boys who needed to be told that one of their very best friend's mom was now gone.  A woman who had been a mom to them as well.  From there, in my minds eye, I could see everyone in my neighborhood and ward family and the pain and grief everyone would be feeling.  She was so beloved.

(she was a "ma" to many of our youth!)

Tracy was just 42.  Last Monday was a normal day......getting ready for work.  Damon left first with his usual kiss goodbye, I love you, have a good day.  You know, those things that we say when we leave for the day.  As he left his house, I am sure he had no idea what he was going to come home to.  And that in an instant his entire life was completely changed.

Over the course of the past seven days, there has been a lot of soul searching, a lot of inward thinking and a lot of clear perspective shoved in my face.

When we lost Rob,  The pain was no less difficult.  We hurt then just as much as we do now.  Even with the months we had to prepare and know that it was coming, it still hurt.  It was still a strong slap upthesidethehead.  I thought after that, I had really made some changes in my life and relationships and would be prepared for anything.

I was wrong.

The sudden and totally unexpected loss of Tracy slapped the other side of my face.  It is times like this that I understand the anguished cries of "WHY?"  What purpose could this possibly serve?  Her death was not the cause of someone else's poor choice.  It wasn't that her body became ill and shut down.  She simply just passed.   She was young.  She still had Chelsea at home. Did I mention that she was young?  Just as with losing Rob, the feeling of "this just isn't right" is overwhelming.

The week has been spent consoling one another.  Support, encouragement, and love expressed within our ward family and our neighborhood, and even more important - in our homes.  Without exception, every family I know that has been touched by the Martin's and their loss have expressed how much more they appreciate time with their families and more importantly are expressing it vocally.

So here I sit on a gloomy Monday and find myself thinking about the past week.  The tears, the hugs, the questions........ but what stands out the most is the LOVE.  Unabashed displays of love and affection for and among everyone.  So sad that it takes a loss like this to slam that home again.  Why does it?  Why do we allow ourselves to get complacent when it comes to expressions of love and gratitude for and to other people?  I'm shaking my head and wondering.  What if today is REALLY the last day we see a coworker, a friend, a family member?  What would our last words have been?  Would we be able to lie down at night and know that we hadn't missed an opportunity to love them?

For me?  No regrets.  Not ever.  If it takes an extra couple of keystrokes in an email or text.  A few extra seconds at the door, another minute on the phone, whatever it takes, I am motivated to be more clear with how much I love others.  Luckily for me, love comes easily.  Affection is simple and natural. It's rare to find someone I don't like and/or can't express love to.   I consider myself blessed for that.  Yet, I know that for others, it's a huge challenge.  It's not second nature or even third or fourth for that matter, but I implore you to self search and see where you can improve in that one little area.

It's not asking anyone to quit smoking, or stop drinking so much, start dieting, lose 20 pounds, run a marathon or any other very hard challenge.  It's simply asking that if you care about someone, love someone, appreciate someone....that you show it by word and deed.  Practice saying "love you" in front of the mirror if you have to so that it comes naturally.  Whatever it takes, do it.

You never know when in literally the blink of an eye, your entire world will be shaken upside down.  You'll get through the loss if that's what's called for.  You'll make it.  But you'll have an extra measure of peace if you know you expressed all the love you possibly could.

Finally, I've posted before about my religious beliefs and that of an afterlife with our loved ones.  So to me, death is a temporary separation.  Does that make it any easier?  Some days, hell no.  But in the eternal perspective, it does allow a grieving soul to keep taking one step after another.  The knowledge that we will be with our families forever is the one steady comfort that no number of flowers, cards or meals can ever replace.

So to my friends Damon, Chris, Erin and Chels - I love you more than the sea.  Hopefully, you already know that, (and if you don't, then by damn I will work harder).

 Prayers for peace, comfort and perspective are given for you.

xoxox
mCat


PS - Y A S L to you my Chelsea


PPS - Bad things come in three's.  A co worker recently mentioned that it might not be a very good idea to be my friend.  You've been warned and in the same breath - I am saying "I Love You"

Purpleday 5k - or how we found Splenda Daddy's motivation to run

Working at Wasatch Running Center has not only fed my running addiction, but I have also had the chance to meet some amazing people.  Not every one that comes in is a runner, but most customers are there to do something to be healthy.  I love it.  It inspires me.  I have gained so many new friends that add to my world.

Greg and Angie Green are a some of the nicest people that I've had a chance to rub shoulders with.  Saturday, they hosted their first ever 5k.  Their cause?  A cure for Epilepsy.  Their beautiful daughter has suffered with them her entire life and recently underwent brain surgery to see if they could get them stopped.  Time will tell.  Fingers are crossed.

In an effort to raise awareness and funds for research, the Green's (being runners) tackled the very large task of putting together and hosting a 5k.  HUGE job.  I don't know how they did it, how they pulled it off so seamlessly, but it was amazing!

I talked Splenda Daddy into running it with me.  He's been a little more ambitious with his running this year, and we all know that a good race is sometimes just the needed motivation.  Add in that it's for a great cause and you have a winner with him.

Saturday morning the sun was just coming up when my eyes bolted open and looked at the clock.  I had some things to get done in order for the day's other activities (more on that later) so I needed to be up and at 'em.   Splenda got going, we put ourselves together and headed to SoJo and the race area.

I met up with my friends, thanked them, wished them well, and then looked for other runner friends.  My longtime friend Kim was running it with her sister and Mom and I was so glad we caught up with them before the start of the race.

Some warming up, some light stretching, some strategy discussion with Splenda, then we lined up listened to the countdown from Natalie and away we were.

I've been doing a little speed training but not enough, so of course I jumped out too quickly.  After a half a mile, I eased into a steady pace and settled in for the training run that I was counting this as.  Having forgotten my ipod, it was just me and my thoughts.  As usual, once the crowd thins out, I am usually alone in the middle of the pack and this was no different.  It was a beautiful course and with the funeral of a dear friend ahead of us in a few hours, it was the perfect morning to spend some time in my head, with my thoughts, and preparing emotionally for the rest of the day.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect time to ponder.  And let's face it, endorphins ain't bad either.

I hadn't made any goals for the race other than hope for a sub 30 minutes since I have not been seriously training at all.  ( I REALLY suck at winter training).  Surprisingly, I posted a  26:59.7 !

I was totally shocked as I crossed the line and then felt pretty good for still feeling like I could have gone for several more miles at that pace.  I turned around back on the course to run in Splenda and first found Kim.  We sprinted in, and then I turned around back to find Splenda but then found Kim's sister.  So we sprinted in together as well.  I turned back around to find Splenda but then found Kim's mom, so I started to sprint in with her, but by now her grandkids had figured it out and took over that job.  Back I went on the course to find Splenda.

The minute I saw him, I knew his IT band was bugging him.  It's always his nagging injury.  We ice, we roll, we stretch.......you know the drill.  Anyway, we chatted as he made his way towards the finish line and when we hit the sprint mark (the one I had drawn in my head), he picked it up and finished strong!  I was dang happy to see that he had posted a 36:22.0.   For his second 5k ever - not bad!  And even faster than the one he did a couple years ago!  As we milled for just a moment catching our breath and stretching, he was able to soak in the feeling of an event that has a meaning or cause behind it.  Most marathons are charity marathons, they are for serious runners.  But most 5k events are for causes that need our help.  He was able to soak all that in. And well, I think we found his motivation.  He has promised more 5k's in the future as long as there is a good cause tied to it!

Me?  I just loved getting a nice run in, the time to ponder in my head and get my thoughts straight, to be with my favorite bestie and do something that was of value and benefit for someone else.

Great Purpleday indeed!

Corb's 25th birthday - done up KarCat style!

I love my daughter-in-love.  Really, truly {heart} her!  She made his day special and I appreciate that.  Especially when this is now two years in a row that I missed him on his ACTUAL birthday.

Click HERE to read and watch

Thanks Kar - love you!

It's official

  I have become what I swore I would never do.  

A blurker.....

You know THAT kind.  The blogger who reads post after post after post and doesn't leave a comment.

I used to be a good commenter.  Usually something encouraging,  supportive, or even witty.

I've lost it.  Lost it all.  Instead right now, I am enjoying reading, catching up, peeking into the lives of those that I have met on-line and enjoy/admire.   I am laughing at their humor, or learning from their insight but not leaving my voice.

Sorry.

Working on finding my voice again, but in the meantime.....keep posting 'cause I'm still reading

xoxo
mCat

Happy Birthday Chloee!

Okay so I have this beautiful video all created that captures Chloee and her birthday beautifully, but because I used a song I purchased, it infringes copyright laws and youtube has blocked it. All I wanted to do was PROMOTE Bruno Mars, not steal their artistic talent.   (If anyone reading this from Bruno Mars are the handlers want to view it and give permission, that would be awesome!)


 Anyway, I guess I can't post that no matter what I have done to get around it. Instead - click here to read Karalee's blog about the big day. I'll post more about the weekend later. When I am not so tired. And frustrated. And did I mentioned tired?

xoxo
m

Some random crap for a late Saturday night

I have so much to blog, but I need my cord to download my pics and videos.  Then use the movie maker to edit myself out of them.  It's gonna have to wait until I get back home.  And find some time.

So many random thoughts.  Crazy.

Not me, but sometimes my thoughts.

I think I have ADD.  

Or maybe just too much caffeine.

Right now we're in SoCal for the kids' birthday's.  Chloee's was yesterday, Corbin's is next week.  Celebrating both and Luke getting away for Spring Break.  Win-Win-Win

Downside, I missed a 10k that I was signed up for with Splenda Daddy.  I guess we just got really expensive t-shirts instead.

Now I have to do a half marathon to secure my place in the St George marathon.  Coulda done 6 miles but now will do 13.

It's okay, I prefer the longer miles.

I need spring to come.  Bad.  Like a lot of sunshine.   Consistently!  This time of year is NOT good for the mKitty.  

Even in SoCal, it's been cold, cloudy and rainy. We drove into Oceanside to catch a movie and the beach was of course deserted and the ocean looked ticked.  It looked like how I felt.

On the upside, the kids got new running shoes today and I felt like I was of some value in making sure they got the good ones.  Can't believe how much I have learned in the past 6 months.  Amazeballs.

Chloee lost her first tooth today!  More on that later.  

I love Marine's.  Not much more to say on that, except there is such a definite feeling here on base.  I love it.  I love them.  I love what they represent.

Tonight's our last night here.  Chlo is in bed dreaming of the tooth fairy, the boys are playing Halo, Kar is on her computer, Splenda on his while dealing with work crisis and me on mine.  While it would be fun to have the 5 of us playing a game or something, it is even more enjoyable for me to sit and listen to my boys play their video game like old times.  

Without the swearing.  (when did they get so much better behaved than me?)

Today is 'tana's birthday.  I am bummed we missed it.  On the upside, she can spend it with her side of the family, and then we can enjoy it with her when we get home.  And I love that she and Tuffy will stay and keep the house and dogs in order.  What would I do without those kids?

Speaking of pets.  It's clear that Jack the fish is dying.  I've googled it.  I can see the writing on the wall.  One site told me to do the humane thing and not let him suffer a slow death in his bowl, not flush him as that would also prolong death, but instead to put him in a baggie with water and put it in the freezer.  He will go to sleep and pass without pain.  I'm not sure I can do that.  And what's bizarre is that I have had to put my fair share of dogs down due to old age etc, but this damn little beta fish is getting me and I just can't bring myself to freeze him to death.

Thoughts?  Ideas?  A volunteer?

I will be glad for my own bed.  I love my bed.  More than any other piece of furniture in my house.  I could live there and never leave it (other than necessary bodily functions).

For now, I am headed for the air mattress and getting some rest for the long drive home.  The one in which I don't usually talk because I am sad to leave my kids here.  The one in which, if I'm not careful, deep depression can set in.  The one in which I dream of the day that we are driving them all back to Utah.  

Yeah, THAT drive...... all 11 hours of it

Peace out my peeps.

xoxox

mCat

Purple day 5K

Okay my local friends!   This is one you don't even have to think about!

A 5k for a great cause for some of my favorite people.

Click the HERE for the details.

Splenda Daddy and I will both be there, and Splenda Daddy is even going to RUN!  Come have some fun with us, support this great cause, and get your purple on!!


**comments off - instead go hit the link and get yourself and your family registered!**

Thankful Thursday

Wow..... I know I haven't done a TT post lately (I blame the dark cloud looming over me), but the past week or so has brought me a lot of things to be grateful for.

My job

Seriously, I love it.  Weird right?  But I actually get excited to go to work.  Every day is different with different people coming in and having different needs.  This week, I had an 80 year old army vet.  He had a stroke previously so he had some left side weakness.  He is also fighting cancer and had just had a Lupron shot so he was a little wobbly when he came in.   His feet are extremely odd and difficult to fit.  He was the kindest, funniest man I have met in a long time.  I spent about 45 minutes chatting, trying some different options, helping him with his weak left foot etc.  At one point, in my attempt to show him respect as my elder, I called him Sir.  He looked at me and said, "please don't call me sir, I was just an enlisted guy"  and then he grinned at me.  At some point, he took out his hearing aid so our conversations got a little louder and we leaned a little closer to one another to communicate.  We finally found something that made him grin from ear to ear.  He loved the shoes.  They were comfortable for his needs of just being able to walk daily for a few minutes.  As he was wrapping things up, paying for his shoes and we were exchanging goodbyes, he asked me one more time to lean in close as he had something to say.  I walked around to him on the other side of the counter and pulled me aside.  "Do you like carrot cake?" he asked.  I told him I LOVED carrot cake, and that in fact, it was my favorite.  He replied, "I make a killer cake, I'll be back to bring you some."
As he left the store, I was chuckling at his wit, his attitude, and his overall pleasantness.  It reminded me of the days when I worked directly with patients and how much I had loved that.

The next day I had a cute young lady and her mom come in for trainers for track.  She was so cute and bubbly and excited to be starting track and getting new shoes.  Everytime I did something new or next in the fitting process, she would profusely thank me.  Ah, to have that kind of attitude!  Happy, lighthearted and grateful for others!  She was a delight to be around.

And then the following day, another young woman and her mom came in.  Daughter needed some trainers.  A beautiful tall, exotic looking girl.  She was rather quiet, but mom was a talker.  We started the fitting process and talked about mileage that she would be doing etc.  In the course of the conversation, mom told me that daughter had joined the Marines and would be leaving for boot camp the day after her high school graduation.  In June.  Like in a few months!  Well, of course, my heart swelled up and we talked Marines all during the fitting process.  Mom and I both teared up as we talked about the experiences, changes and blessings that were soon to be India's (daughters name) as undertook her new adventure.  I ended up giving my email address and asked that when she gets to come on leave after boot camp or after combat training, if she can, to stop in and see me and let me know how she was doing.

So you can see it's been a week of experiences that add to my life.  I go to work, and am surrounded by runners.  We talked running, we talk races, we talk shoes and apparel.  Anywhere from a brand new runner just starting out, to middle of the pack runners who are trying to get better, to experienced long distance folks who just need an updated shoe and want to chat about what's on the agenda for the season.  I love it all.  Sometimes I can't believe I get paid to do what I love so much.   I am indeed thankful for the turn my life has taken to allow me to do this.

Next up, I am thankful for a bestie that sets aside a significant about of time to make sure I get registered for the event of a lifetime because I am working and can't get on the computer to do it.

 Tiburon set her alarm for 12:50pm so that as soon as the registration opened for the USMC Marathon at 1:00pm our time, she could get on line and get me in.  The site crashed several times, it took her many minutes, many swear words and time out of her busy day (and anxiety that she wouldn't be able to pull it off) to do this for me.  THAT is a best friend.  I am thankful for her.

Next on the list is the chance to run the marathon. 

 Dream come true for me.  Most marathoners dream of qualifying for and running Boston.  It's like the tradition dream of all dreams.  Not for me.  Nope.  The dream of all dreams marathon for me is the Marine Corp Marathon.  And.I.am.In!  I'm going!  I'm doing it!  I have a friend who is helping me get a good deal on airfare, another who I can stay with who leaves near there so I can pull this off with out losing an arm and a leg in costs.  Of course, donations to get mCat out to DC to run are certainly appreciated!  *cheesy grin*
I am so thankful for the opportunity to do this!  I am seriously so stoked I can hardly stand it!  Now, my prayer is that Corbin will get the approved leave and then a spot (it's sold out) to be able to go.  He  might have to get in on a charity option which means raising money for Wounded Warriors or TAPS but, I will help him get that figured out.  We just need him to get the leave and get a spot.  To run this with him, would be an emotional highlight for me that will stick for the rest of my life.  And hopefully his.   I am SO thankful that I get the chance to do this particular marathon!

And lastly, I am thankful for Eminem.

Okay, okay...... I know it's unconventional, but this song (edited version) is one that I listen to over and over and over again.  The reason why is personal.  But know this, in spite of his past rage and anger, he is no longer the person he once was.   I think of my dark places I have been in my life and know that there is a way out.  Marshall is a changed person and I like the fact that he's bold enough to admit it.  And this is for you, you know who you are.





Not a bad TT list if I say so myself.

What are you thankful for today?

My renewed appreciation for the Miniature Schnauzer

I have two of them.

My beloved Jordan

She has always been my shadow, my girl, my laplover, and my yappiest yapper ever.  It doesn't matter if someone has been out long enough to take the garbage to the curb, or been gone for 3 weeks, she still greets everyone with her yaps like there is no tomorrow.   She was my 40th birthday present.  I have loved her from day one, but our relationship took a deeper turn the day she birthed her litter.  I will never forget the look on her face as her eyes met mine, while wracked with pain, as she pushed the first pup out.  She allowed me to assist getting her babies cords cut, cleaned up and then left her alone to let the natural canine in her take over and the mothering in her to begin.  Talk about bonding.  As she ages, she is changing a little.  Packing on the pounds (don't we all), sleeping in bed more than in the sun on the rug inside the kitchen, and less on my lap an more next to me or under the covers spooning me.  She has always been loyal, well trained and obedient.  As we walk, I can give the command "wait" and she literally freezes.  If I tell her to come, she comes.  Obedient epitomized (except for shut up and stop yapping)

And then we got Captain Jack Black.

Jack.  Jack A. Roonie.  Jack A. Loonie.  Cukoo for Cocoa Puffs.  Of course his puppy years were challenging.  We seriously thought he was mentally crazy.  He would beg to go outside and then persist in attacking the propane tanks next to the grill.  He seriously thought he could take those suckers down.  He's wants to be inside.  Then outside.  Inside.  Outside.  Over and over again. (Yes, I know, I need a doggy door).  But now, for the past several months I have had more time to hang out with him and watch, observe and come to some conclusions about him.

First, one should understand what schnauzers were bred to do.  They are terriers, so they are ratters.  They should be "going to ground"  meaning they can rid the area of small varmin.  Since we don't have that problem, no biggie for that.  But they were also originally used to be watch dogs.  It's their nature.  Of course, the giant Schnauzer would be a legit threat, but the mini?  Not so much.  But that doesn't mean the instinct is gone or phased out through breeding.  Believe you me....it's there.  And ingrained in my Jack very deeply.

I've been watching his behavior very closely and have come to realize that what I thought were quirks and marks of crazy are actually all very methodical instincts.

When he scratches to go outside, it's for one of three reasons:

One, he needs to take care of business  (and thank heavens they are small like tootsie rolls).

Or, there is something outside that he feels might be a threat to our property.  Either a bird on the fence, a cat taunting him, the neighbor's dog, or people that may or may not belong near us.  Once at 3am, he was desperate to go out, as I opened the door and watched him bolt for the back fence I caught a glimpse of a man walking on the street behind us.  Jack had sensed it and needed to alert.

Or the third reason, is a simple perimeter check.  He will go out.  Take a look straight ahead, then to his left and then right.  He then runs the perimeter of our backyard checking through the fence and smelling for anything foreign or unusual.  After making sure everything is secure, he either is ready to come in, or if the weather is nice, he perches himself on the top step and watches the world go by making sure that nothing is out of place that he needs to attend to.

All perfect instincts for a guard dog.  He's on the watch constantly.

Another quirk is how he feels the need to climb right on top of me.  In my face.  If I am laying down, he comes to my chest and sits himself right down facing away from me (yes, I get his butt in my grill) and sits at attention.  He stays that way for several minutes.  Just at attention on top of me.  After several minutes, he will eventually relax and then either lay down on my stomach or legs.  Either way, he is either on top of me or next to me.  Again, I used to chalk it up as a weird, annoying quirk but realize after careful observation that he is indeed "on guard".  He places himself between me and the outside.  Once he has assessed the situation as safe, he then allows himself to relax a bit and "stand down".

He's also a TV watcher.  He is alert and cognizant enough to catch things on tv ( he likes to watch basketball, particularly the Utah Jazz) and does indeed pay close attention for lengthy periods of time.  I find it fascinating and now have started leaving Animal Planet on for him while I'm gone, although I think he might be happier with ESPN.  I think I will switch to that.

He's a lover.  He snuggles right up, rubs his neck on my face or neck and wants to love and kiss.  Affectionate is one of his most lovable qualities.

So all this time, we thought we had a crackpot for a dog, when in reality he is doing exactly as his breed has been produced to do.  Once I figured all this out, my heart has grown two sizes too big for this one.  Now, he and Jordan share equal, yet different, parts of my heart.  My bond with each one is equally strong but for different reasons.  Strange how that works.

And then there is Jace.

Jace isn't our dog, but he belongs to Tuffy and 'Tana.  However, with their work schedules and his boredom, he gets to come visit often.  He is all puppy.  He can literally play for hours at a time before he exhausts himself. Jack is his best friend.  I have never in my life seen a friendship between dogs like this.  They literally love each other as if they were brothers born in the same litter.  They both serve to amuse the other and provide the necessary canine socializing that is important to maintain a well rounded dog.  Jace is my lover- lover.  He will greet me by licking my face for several long minutes.  If that grosses you out, then so be it.  I pull my lips in and let him go to town.  Once he's loved me, he is off to be Jack's sidekick for the rest of his visit and I wipe down my face.

Interesting how with each dog I have ever owned, I have loved them all for different but equal reasons.  Some of us love the canine companionship and bond that a dog lover shares with  his/her dog.  They become part of our family.  Our kids.  Our own kin but with four legs and some fur.

I realize not everyone gets this or feels like I do but really, they offer so much.  They bring so much love and happiness to our families.  My children will have memories of our dogs for their whole lives (I remember our dog Sammy when I was 5 that gave me and my best friend Roger ticks).  Our kids learn to love something other than themselves and to develop compassion for animals that are reliant upon us for their safety and care.  I personally think it helps them to become better parents.  And perhaps, maybe it doesn't require a dog, but some pet of some kind that is reliant on us for survival.

So finally, after much musing, observation and deep thinking (hey, I got time to do that), I finally have realized exactly why I love my mini's.  No shedding, hypoallergenic, small turds, easy to control, quick to train, and so full of love, personality and loyalty that ofttimes isn't even found in humans.

Snap!  I think I've turned into that crazy dog lady

Wordless Wedne....er Tuesday

Okay, just enough words to say, there are now words to say how much I love my kids.

Best mail that I have come to in a long, long time.  I love you Chloee!!

Didn't know there was a special sign to put up indicating that you have an active duty Marine.  Thanks to Brenda to paying it forward.  This will be in my front window for the next two years.  Love you Corbin!