*Feel Free to click mark as read....just voicing some thoughts and feelings*
It's almost December. As in, TOMORROW!
What the crap happened to 2011? It seems one big, blurry bad dream.
Thanksgiving was nice. Not what I expected, though I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but it was nice. Loved family coming in from Vegas and spending time catching up. Love the positive vibes my SIL brings with her.
And now, everyone expects Christmas.
Can't do it.
Just can't do it.
I did hang the wreath on the front door so it wouldn't look naked there, but I really have no desire nor ambition to put up the tree, decorate the house or buy a single gift. I really want to just take my tree and ship it to my kids in Cali. Splenda wants it to stay here and get put up and decorated. The idea of it makes me want to crawl in bed.
I have been excited for Festival of Trees. Spent a little time there on Monday finishing a few last things for my bestie and watching the decorators set up their things. Made me realize that if I had planned a little better I could have done a tree this year.
Instead, I have determined that I will do one next year. Dedicated to Jill and Suicide Awareness and Prevention. I am still pondering a theme for it. Something she loved, her hobby, her passion. All I can come up with is that she loved her daughter. More than anything she loved Chloee. I think I will go with a Mommy Angel theme. Thoughts?
For those of you new to my blog click here to get the back story There are subsequent posts and videos that further tell the story. But you get the gist.
I think that is why I am struggling to really get into Christmas this year. Memories are painful. I can only imagine her own parents. If my heart hurts, then they must be in agony. And whether we are friends or not, I feel sad for them.
I think doing the tree will be a good thing. Starting with the day after Christmas this year and all the sales, I will be looking for ornaments and decorations to fit our Mommy Angel tree. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and approaching a business to see if they would be willing to donate something like a TV or other hot ticket item that will attract a bidder. I will try and get Chloee out here next year so she can help with the tree. I'll be tracking down pictures and special things to go with the tree. I am concocting a plan and that feels good.
The healing properties of doing something for someone else can never be underestimated. And if I haven't mentioned it before, every single thing for Festival is donated and all the money, ALL OF IT, goes straight to the Primary Childrens Medical Center. No admin fees or skims off the top. Every last cent. So many good things to be involved with.
And yet, I am still so sad.
I have an exit interview with my previous employer on Monday. That closes another chapter in my life. A chapter that once was so happy and fulfilling and cruelly twisted to a sour ending. Even though I know I made the right decision and am happy about starting a new chapter in that area of my life, it's still a little sad.
Change is hard.
My house is empty. My sons have their wives and lives.
Change is hard.
Still not able to run. So frustrating. I think if I could just get a good 10 miler in, I would feel so much better. For now, I am stuck on the bike, in the pool and satisfying my running needs by smelling the new shoes, checking out the gear and mingling with other runners at Wasatch Running Company. That's cool.
Got a flight booked for SoCal in a couple of weeks. Makes me uber happy! Now just gotta figure out how to get all the kids' Christmas down there. This is pretty cool too. Happiness is seeing Chloee all settled in with her Daddy and her Mommy. Their little family is so amazing. Watching Corb being such an awesome father and Karalee love Chloee as if she were her own and Chloee loving the fact that she has a family. A mommy and a daddy. A family. The sweet lil punkin is THRIVING! That makes me happy! For those of you who have married children who are parents, nothing brings you more joy than seeing them become great parents themselves. Some call it a parent pay-off. I don't know what I call it, all I know is that it brings a smile to my face and a lift to my soul.
And yet, I still feel sad.
Memories can be hard.
Change can be hard.
Wow - this really did turn out to be a debbie downer eh? Sorry, if you made it this far. Just processing some thoughts and feelings.
Really, life is good. Life is damn good.
**PS - if you are lurking, which I know you are, and you feel inclined to leave more anonymous mean comments, please refrain. It didn't get you anywhere last time and won't this time either.**